Bad Break?

A friend of mine who is a teacher just posted on Facebook a note about returning to school after a long break. Some kids might have had a terrible time, with unpredictable food availability, instability within their home, fighting, lack of a set schedule and sleep, and so forth. Some kids might not have gotten presents, so best not ask what their favorite gift was.

While my break wasn't nearly as challenging, it wasn't one for the record books. Was it better than last year when I couldn't walk without crutches and a brace or go up and down the twenty-three steps to our house? Yes, but it was still tough.

I live 2,000 miles away from my family, and Jack lives even more. Traveling to the Ohio and Atlanta over the holidays is challenging. There is no direct flight from Seattle to Columbus, so we have to connect through Chicago or Minneapolis, which is always dicey in December. My mom has Alzheimer's and Jack's mom has a heart arrhythmia. Jack's mom can travel but it is hard on her. My mom can't leave the nursing home let alone the state. It has reached the point where it is up to us to travel, not them. Last year, I had a good excuse because I couldn't walk.

My husband doesn't like visiting people in general, but is it even worse when he has to visit people in winter for days when there aren't outdoor activities to keep him and the kids (but mostly him) occupied. It is tough to have to spend three days in a row with people you have't seen in a while on their turf. Jack can't putter on his bike, or do the crossword puzzle for hours. He can't replace missing light bulbs or fix other broken parts of our home.

For the past two years, we were out of town on vacation, but they were trips just the four of us took. We went to Bend, OR, last year for a few days. The year before Jack took two weeks off and we had a trip of a lifetime in New Zealand. Other years, Jack has had to work, which limited our travel options significantly.

This year, we stayed at home for the whole two weeks and I got a little blue. It is cool to take a vacation over break, but this year I was a little sad I wasn't spending the holidays with my extended family, not that there is much family left to visit. I can't go back to the good old days and see all four of my grandparents, as they have all passed on. For several weeks before the break, the Boy had been under the weather. I wasn't sure how he'd be feeling over the holiday, so we decided to stay home instead of traveling.

Last January, my father put my mom in a long-term care facility. One of Jack's colleagues at the hospital says that studies show gravely ill people live longer when they are getting palliative care. My mother was so far along in her illness, it was better to make her comfortable than aggressively try to treat her disease. We are coming up on the one year anniversary of her living not with my dad, and I got to think she might not live to see another Christmas. I started to feel bad that I wasn't there. She wouldn't know if I was there or not, but I would know.

In mid-December while my family was off skiing and I was running on the treadmill at the YMCA, I got kind of lonely. I thought about buying a plane ticket and flying off to Ohio to spend Christmas with my parents. I figured my family could ski the whole time I was gone and they wouldn't miss me. I got over my bout of snitty-ness, and decided to stay in Seattle. On Christmas Day, I began to regret my decision. Perhaps I should have taken time off during the holiday to visit my parents and trust that Jack could have taken care of the Boy.

Aside from my own guilt, there is another side effect of not visiting family over break: my daughter has no expectations of visiting us in the future during the holidays. She assumes she will be living far away and won't travel to see us. Every year since my kids were born, our Christmases and New Year's Days were different, unlike mine growing up which were the same down to every dish served and the time we ate. What did my kids learn about tradition? That it doesn't exist? I can't say that. The four of us have always been together each year, even if we have been in different places.

Or is the problem with my view of tradition? Is it better to have floating and varying expectations for holidays, rather than fixed ones? Just because a holiday break is different, does it mean it is bad?