Health Assessment and Sixteen

Note:  This will likely be a downer post.

The Boy brought home a letter from school about the Washington State Healthy Youth Survey.  The survey is given on October 15 to all 6th, 8th, 10th and 12th graders in Seattle Public Schools.  

October 15 is Ada's sixteenth birthday.  She would have been in 10th grade and taking the test on the same day as the Boy.  I read about the topics, and thought about how she would have addressed them.  

Feelings about school and community: no answer, dead

Relationships with parents, friends and neighbors: no answer, dead

Eating habits, physical activity: none, dead

And so on.

She would have been sixteen.  I was talking to some friends once about raising a teenage daughter.  They all have children the Boy's age and younger, so they have yet to experience the professional level of sass that a teenage girl can emit.  One of the dad's said, "She is in band.  She has to be a good kid."

"She is a good kid but an awful person,"  I said.  They laughed.  I didn't.  Those with daughters will find out for themselves one day.  Of course, I love the Big E, but that doesn't make having a teenage daughter easier.

Later, one fathers approached me.  "My brother has an older daughter.  He said they call it 'Sweet Sixteen' for a reason."  

So this would have been Ada's sixteenth birthday.  She would have been in 10th grade, a sophomore. Based on the laws of averages, she would have come out of her slump and re-emerged as a civilized human being.  I'd be out of the weeds.

I would like to say that I have thought of her everyday since she died, but I haven't.  I have a ring in her memory, but I don't wear it everyday.  I don't have long, thin, fingers and wearing two rings feels bulky.  (The Big E has beautiful hands.  Her hands are the size of Jack's, but they are perfectly proportioned.)  But there are times when I think about Ada a lot, and October is one of those times.

One of my friends at a soccer game asked me how I got to be solved involved in PTA.  How did I become such a leader?  Did I have prior experience?  The real question isn't how, but why.  I didn't get involved because of the Big E and the Boy.  I got involved because of Ada.  Because there was a time in my life when I didn't know if I ever would become a mom.  Because my brother has schizophrenia, and I know that there are kids out there who have parents who aren't capable of taking care of them, for whatever reason.  Mix the two together, and I turned into a crazy volunteer.  In fairness, I met some of lovely people and some of my dearest friends.  For that I am grateful.

Each year, I think of Ada in different ways.  Sixteen years ago today would have been the last day she was alive.  The doctors think she died on the 13th.  I learned she died on the 14th, and she was delivered on the 15th.  I was thinking that this was the last day I was ever happy, but that's not true.  It was the last day that in my life before I knew what sorrow meant.  It was the last time I was innocent.

Freshman

Earlier this week,  I went to Curriculum Night at the Big E's high school.  Wow.  What a trip.  I've been to more than a dozen Curriculum Nights since my kids have started school, and this one was the best.  I loved it.

I don't know why I thought this evening was so much fun.  Maybe because the Big E is back in the assignment boundaries with all of the kids she went to elementary school with.  Our house was drawn into a different middle school zone, so there were only a handful of kids from the Big E's elementary in her middle school.  I knew very few parents at that school.  Here, I knew lots.  I saw parents of kids I knew from our elementary bus stop whose children are now seniors.  I felt like a freshman myself.  When I saw a good friend in "passing period," we squealed out hellos, as if we were teenage girls who were so wildly surprised to see each other at the mall.

This high school has been around for ages, and is a Seattle institution.  Collectively, her six teachers have about 180 years of experience between them.  Not kidding.  While young teachers can bring a happy, positive energy, the life experience of these teachers really came through.  They were easy and warm with parents, not nervous or eager to impress.  Jack joked:  "Does someone have to die for someone to get a job there?"  Yeah.

Maybe the parents brought a different attitude.  In high school, it is really up to the kid to decide how much effort and energy they are going to invest in their education.  With more pressure on the kids, there was less on the parents.  Instead of trying to prove their kids were worthy, they know their kids are standing on their own.  Teachers have x-ray eyes about the kids, and really didn't seem to care about the parents, but in a good way.  The Big E's Language Arts teacher spelled it out: "If your child is not doing well on the vocabulary tests, it is because they aren't studying hard enough."  Ouch.  And true.  I loved it.

While there are cumulative experiences that kids bring to high school, the ball is in the kid's court to decide where to go.  One parent asked with a little bit of resignation in her voice, "How does my child prepare a portfolio if they are interested in pursuing the arts?"  She was quick to qualify, "This is my child's decision.  I know nothing about how to do this.  Really."  She sounded kind of lost, and there was a knowing quiet laughter from the crowd.  The kids are starting to take control of the car and decide on their futures.  Our job is just to get the car out of the garage and make sure the kids know how to drive.  The kids decide where to take it.

Something about this is freeing to me as a parent, and I am surprised.  I didn't think I would be so excited to watch my daughter make her own decisions, but I am.  Perhaps I have a little bit of vicarious living here, watching her look at her future as a blank canvas on which she can draw, scribble, paint anything.

The Lion King

My kids hadn't seen The Lion King until yesterday.  The Boy is 11 and the Big E is 14.  We didn't get to finish it, so we will watch the end tonight.  The kids had been talking about The Lion King, mainly because Fox looks like a little Simba.

There are lots of different ways to look at this.  Someone might say I am anti-Disney, but the Big E has seen Finding Nemo 30 or so times.  We own the DVD.  We had to stop watching it when the Boy was about two years old and the shark attack freaked him out.

I am not a big fan of screen time in general, but that is not all of it.

Here is my shame:  I was the Chairman of the Film Board in college.  I ran a volunteer non-profit that showed six nights of movies on campus.  If I hadn't seen a movie, I had likely read about it.  I had a subscription to the now defunct Premiere magazine.  When I graduated from college and was living in Chicago, I'd read Roger Ebert, Gene Siskel, Dave Kehr and Janet Maslin.  This is a case of "The cobblers kids have no shoes."

Even worse, The Lion King holds a special place in my heart.  Twenty years ago, Jack and I brought this little boy I used to tutor to see The Lion King at the Water Tower Theatre on Michigan Avenue.  Khoa Le was the sweetest boy ever, and I was grateful his mother let us borrow him for the afternoon and fill him up with popcorn.  We took him shopping at the Disney store, but he refused to buy anything.  See?  The sweetest.

I would say this movie brought tears to my eyes and whatnot, but so far it is just a regular movie, except now I am singing "The Circle of Life."  And we haven't seen Simba take down Scar and bring peace to the land.  I suppose tonight I will cry.

Given my complete remiss at showing my kids important movies, here is a list of movies that they need to see.  (Note:  I am missing many movies created since the Big E was born in 2000.  Oh well.)

1.   Almost anything with a score by John Williams:  E.T., Raiders of the Lost Ark, Jaws, etc.
2.   Arsenic and Old Lace --  This is one of my favorite Cary Grant movies.
3.   It's a Wonderful Life -- I saw this when I was in high school on videotape.  About three quarters of the way through, I decided it was kind of a downer so I turned it off and missed the point.
4.   The Princess Bride -- Done.
5.   The Blues Brothers -- Best car chase ever.
6.   The Wizard of Oz -- My kids saw this at the Seattle Children's Theater, but I am not sure they saw it on the screen.  Oy.  Judy Garland is amazing.
7.   To Kill a Mockingbird -- Gregory Peck at his best
8.   Rear Window -- My favorite Hitchcock movie
9.   Casablanca -- Just because it is good
10. Ruthless People -- I wonder if I'd find it dated, but laughed so hard when I first saw this years ago.
11.  Something adorable with John Cusack
12.  Ishtar -- I saw this in high school with a friend and we were the only people in the theater laughing.  But we were laughing.

Money and Teens: Allowance or ATM?

As you may know, the Big E just started high school this September.  Since then, Jack and I have become an ATM.  When she asks for money, we've been handing it out.  (Mostly me.  Jack doesn't carry cash, much to my annoyance.)  One of the issues is the Big E's campus has open lunch, and is surrounded by cute fast food restaurants and is near a Whole Foods and a Starbucks.

On the one hand, I'd like her to be social and have friends during lunch.  I don't want her to be the only one staying in, eating her toasted peanut butter sandwiches and gala apples alone.  On the other hand, I don't want to fund her frappuccino habit?  A Grande Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino Blended Creme is 410 calories.  I have no idea what one costs ($3.85?  $4.25?), but seriously, 410 calories that can be sucked down in two minutes?  I know she runs cross country, but come on.

"A creamy blend of rich mocha-flavored sauce, chocolaty chips, milk and ice. Topped with sweetened whipped cream and mocha drizzle." -- Starbucks.com

Read:  This is dessert.  And the word "chocolaty" freaks me out.  Is it or is it not real chocolate?

I've started asking other parents of teens how they handle money with their kids.  Are they an ATM, or do they give their kids an allowance and expect them to budget?  I had an allowance growing up, which was lunch money plus $5 a week.  Was this enough?  I didn't really need to worry because I had a male chauvinist pig* boyfriend with a job who insisted on paying for everything.  Another boyfriend had affluent parents who were the ATM.  I saved my money and took a trip to France my junior year.  If my parents had the ATM approach, I never would have been able to save up for something big.

One set of parents I talked to about money and teens has two boys, both of whom have graduated from high school.  One son was shy, so the parents took the ATM approach.  Anytime he asked to go out, they were happy, so they forked over the cash.  Their other son was an athlete, and they wanted to make sure he had enough to eat, so they funded his Rain City Burger lunch.  Both boys were on the frugal side, so they never had to worry about the kids over asking.  The kids pretty much spent money on what they said they were going to spend it on, so no worries.

Another friend said she gives her kid money on the ATM basis so she can control her daughter's spending.  She does not want her daughter buying clothes that would be suitable for a stripper gig.  Makes sense.

There is another crowd that gives an allowance, many depositing money to an account and giving the kid a debit card to manage.  Some give money for clothes, others parents give an allowance and still fund the non-optional things, like safety gear for sports or athletic fees.

Jack and I had this conversation with the Big E and she completely balked at the idea of getting an allowance.  I was shocked.  She said she'd rather ask for money when she needs it.  Little does she know that she could be amassing a small (very small) fortune as there are more weeks she doesn't need money than when she does.

Part of me thinks I am getting the better deal keeping the money in my bank account.  I have saved money for the kids to go to college, but very little of it is in their names.  I want to reserve the right to cash it in in case we need a new roof or one of us were to become disabled.

But therein lies the lesson: The Big E--and everyone else--should learn the value of saving for a rainy day.  And when the rainy day fund is full, time to fund a trip to Paris or New Zealand or whatever floats your boat.  The Big E could ask for money when she needs it, but then she will depend on us.  Having money means she doesn't have to ask.  If we give her money and allow to her spend it within reason, she gets freedom.

* I debated whether or not to refer to one of my high school boyfriend as a male chauvinist pig.  He was, and not because he paid for everything.  He thought he was smarter than all women because of his y-chromosome.  I could have a whole blog post on this dude, but I won't.  Well, maybe but I'd rather avoid thinking about him altogether.

Threesome (+1)

I was talking to a friend about Jack's workaholism the other day, and how he is better about connecting with the kids.  The Big E is running cross country, and Jack used to run.  He is taking an active interest her running, taking her shopping for clothes and shoes, and asking about her practices, the courses, and her times.  She is happy to talk about her progress, and notes if her times are getting better.  They have run a few 5Ks together in the summer.  She tells us the girls have named the hills around town.  In Ravenna Park, one is called Death, another Narnia.  Ironically, Narnia is the longer, steeper hill.

While I was telling this friend this story, she realized that her husband needs to take more of an active interest her two kids.

"Sometimes it feels like it is just the three of us," she said.  "We go about the day, and I take them places."

I knew what she meant by the threesome.  Sometimes it does feel like it is just the Big E, the Boy and I.  Our fourth at times is Fox, who snuggles up with me on the bed after Jack goes to work.

I spoke with a different friend this week, too.  Her son left for college this fall, and she is having a hard time adjusting.  She is of course happy for him, but she misses him, too.   She is also enjoying getting to know her younger son without the older one around.  Her threesome is now a duet.  I've known Leslie since the Big E was in first grade, and she is an awesome mother.  She was an uber-volunteer.  She was always supportive of what her kids were doing, but not helicopter parent.  She let her kids make their own mistakes.  She also worked part-time, keeping balance between her professional and personal lives.  While she was keeping home fires burning, her husband had built up his own company, which is now quite successful.  She looks at her part-time job, wondering why she didn't fully maximize her MBA and become a powerful executive.

"Lauren," she told me earlier this week, "You need to figure out what you want to do before E leaves for college.  You have four years.  You don't want to be stuck when she graduates from high school."

Lunch

Which child is pickier:  The child who will eat peanut butter on anything, or the child who wants a turkey, gouda and fig paste sandwich on baguette for lunch?  I think it is a tie.  If there were a metaphor to describe the differences between my two kids, this would be it.

For background:

The Big E = peanut butter

The Boy = turkey, gouda and fig paste on baguette

The child who eats peanut butter always has something to eat.  She never tires of the same thing over and over and over again.  The peanut butter child is steadfast and predictable, but also a little stubborn.  Her favorite restaurant is the Ram in U Village, and is hesitant to try someplace new.  As Rick said to Isla in Casablanca, "We'll always have Paris."  For the Big E, she'll always have peanut butter.  She follows in Ishiro's mold, the former Mariners baseball player who eats the same food every single day to maximize predictability in his life.  If it works, why knock it?

Peanut Butter cookies made by the Big E.  She is bringing them to a potluck with a sign that reads:  Contains: peanuts, eggs, dairy and gluten.  She considered topping them with bacon to please the carnivores in the group.

The Boy gets points for being adventurous and trying fig paste in the first place.  While he gets points for being adventurous (this was the same child who tried a raw oyster in Tofino), he can be rather stubborn and gets in ruts where nothing can make him happy.  Some days, he has something in mind that he wants to eat for lunch, only it doesn't exist, we don't have it in the house or it would take more time to make than we have before the bus arrives.  For the Boy, variety is the spice of life, as long it isn't too spicy, the bread is the right texture, and it is gouda, not provolone, which smells bad.

The Big E would eat dinner at the Ram every night, if she could.  The Boy once asked how much we would save in a month if we didn't go out to eat.  We told him, and he paled.  Now he thinks we should try to eat dinner at home for the rest of September.  The Boy will some day be a millionaire, yet will never spend a penny, poor soul.  Given my reluctance to cook, this is will be hard.  Last month, they both revolted against eating penne with red sauce, my go-to-in-a-pinch dinner.  They made up songs about why I shouldn't make it again.  On that, they agree.

Spices

The Big E is coming up with names for pets and children she will have in the future.  One of her daughters will be Claire Adele and her son will be named after her brother.   I think that is exceptionally sweet, but the Boy doesn't think so.

Since Fox already came with a name, we didn't change it.  When she is grown-up, she wants to have a dog named Cinnamon or Ginger.  She has decided spices would be good names for pets, and she went through the spice rack:

• Cayenne
• Dill
• Rosemary
• Cardamom
• Pepper

She ruled out Cream of Tartar.