What Would Elizabeth Bennet Do?

A few of my friends, as am I, are going through really difficult times in their marriages. As I talk to my friends and think about myself, I am starting to ask "What would Elizabeth Bennet do?"

For those of you not entirely familiar with Pride and Prejudice written in 1813 by Jane Austen and turned into a dozen movies in more recent times, Elizabeth Bennet is the main character who meets Mr. Darcy, an intelligent, handsome, wealthy and brooding man with limited social graces. (Mr. Darcy grew up with no one ever calling him on his bullshit because he was Mr. Darcy.) Mr. Darcy falls in love with Elizabeth and he asks her to marry him against his better judgment because of her low connections, etc. to which she tells him she wouldn't marry him if he were the last man in the world:

“From the very beginning—from the first moment, I may almost say—of my acquaintance with you, your manners, impressing me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain of the feelings of others, were such as to form the groundwork of disapprobation on which succeeding events have built so immovable a dislike; and I had not known you a month before I felt that you were the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed on to marry.”

Ah, Elizabeth Bennet and the power of no. The power of "I find this behaviour unacceptable." The power of "I won't put up with this bullshit even if you are smart, handsome and rich."

We must also look at Ms. Bennet's behaviour before she tells Mr. Darcy to fuck off. She refuses to marry the insufferable Mr. Collins even though he would secure her family's estate after Mr. Bennet dies. She dallies with Mr. Wickham, whom she later realizes is a cad and then she backs off her affections for him. This is a woman who knows what she does and does not want. She has standards.

When Elizabeth said no to Mr. Darcy,  the ball was in his court. What did he do then? To finish the story, Mr. Darcy listened to Elizabeth, and then goes out of his way to demonstrate to her that he is not the self-absorbed jerk that she thinks he is. The romance isn't just saved because Elizabeth spoke. She was walked away, Mr. Darcy acted and Elizabeth revised her opinion of him; hence, Pride and Prejudice is considered one of the great feminist love stories of all time.

Being Elizabeth Bennet is a lot harder once you are married, but shouldn't the same standards apply to the people we are married, too, perhaps even more so? I was reading an article on Medium.com which also channels Elizabeth Bennet: "You cannot have a real relationship unless you are willing to leave the relationship."

The challenge is harder when there are kids and a mortgage. It makes it harder to walk away, and so people put up with greater and greater levels of inappropriate behaviour. This isn't to say conflict and open disagreement is bad. As the Medium article by Brianna West states,

"Couples who are more confrontational are typically healthier and happier. Can you say your truth? Can you risk losing the relationship? The more you can say ‘I am unhappy,’ the happier you can be. This is because the more honest you can be about your needs, the more you’re giving your partner a chance to understand and adapt to them. When your primary goal is to sustain the relationship because you’re afraid to lose it, you’re more inclined to stay quiet and small, even though you feel disrespected or neglected."

Jane Austen couldn't have said it better herself.

Sweat, and Darcy v. Jamie

Bike Time: 45 minutes 

Distance: 7.5 miles (I rode at the YMCA yesterday. Different bike.)

I rode the stationary bike at the university sports center today. I rode my favorite bike, which is in the northeast corner on the fourth floor. The entire corner is made of windows, like a corner office for exercise. It the morning, there is a decent amount sun that comes in, especially on a warm, clear day like today. I was riding along and I felt a strange sensation: sweat. Not just a little of mild perspiration, but sweat dripping off the back of my neck and down my back. I though I might have broken a sweat the other day, but not really. Today was the real deal. I think this is the first time I've sweat while working out since my surgery seven weeks ago. Part of my sweating might have to do with me sitting in front of a sunny window, but I'll take it. I've exercised in front of this window before and not sweat. Normally, I could run (I mean walk at a very slow pace) an errand after exercising, but today I was officially too gross. Woohoo!

I was tired, thirsty and hungry while I was working out, which was also unusual. I always bring a water bottle with me, and I actually needed it today. After my bike ride, I did my weight work out. It was about 11:30, and I was doing my leg curls. As I was counting, I began to dream about lunch. After about 18, I started thinking "cheeseburger" instead of counting. I had half burger leftover from last night's dinner that I was going to eat for lunch today. Ah, the joy of earning your calories!

Today on the stationary bike, I was reading Curtis Sittenfeld's Eligible, a modern retelling of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. Even with a juicy book to read, I find forty-five minutes is the max I can ride the stationary bike before boredom gets the best of me. Outside, I can ride forever. Inside, forget about it. My dad has his stationary bike set up in front of a television. As much as I hate watching television during the day, perhaps he is on to something.

Sunday morning, I finished reading Outlander.  Now, I am in the middle of this retelling of Pride and Prejudice, which brings me to the question: who is the best romantic male hero*--Darcy or Jamie? I am torn, and I never thought I would be. I have way too much time on my hands to read and ponder such important questions. Overall, I prefer Elizabeth Bennet to Claire Beauchamps. Claire is kind of grumpy, as I might be if I found myself alone and in a place 200 years before today. The men pose a different challenge. Jamie is new and interesting, the Scottish Highlander who appears to be just a regular guy who in fact is not only strong and brave but educated. In the mid-1700's, it didn't seem like there were many men who were both. In P&P, Darcy is the aloof, stubborn one who comes around to being civilized. In Outlander, Claire is the aloof, stubborn one. Jamie is like a masculine Elizabeth Bennet, which is lovely. 

I have a friend who has been divorced for a few years, and is getting back into dating. She is choosing between two men, and I thought of this comparison between Jamie and Darcy. In many ways, both Jamie and Darcy are perfect. The one major flaw they both have is they aren't human--they are fiction. Great and interesting fiction, but fiction nonetheless. It is easy to get lost amongst the pages while I am riding on the stationary bike, and think these guys might exist in the real world. I wish every woman could have her Darcy or Jamie, whichever she prefers. At best, we can read about these not real men while riding not real bikes.

* Atticus Finch is the best male literary character overall.