Fall In...

At two weeks ago, Pedro was giving me crap about a lot of things:

• How come you didn't take a fly fishing casting lesson before you went to Montana?
• How come you are not doing your skiing exercises (aka "Leg Blasters") so you can ski something other than green runs?
• If you really what to motorbike through Moab, you need to learn to ride a motorcycle. How come you haven't take motorcycle lessons yet? Do you need motorcycle lessons even? Why can't you just go out there and ride?
• Why don't you take your paddleboard out more? Why don't you standup on the paddleboard instead of sitting? You don't need a lesson. You just need to stand up, fall in and get back on the board.

Yeah.

He is right about all of these things, but he was--in his own words--"shitting on me." He was downloading a long list of things I was doing wrong and giving me advice on how to do them better. 

I walked along side him and nodded, listening to what he was saying, not telling him to mind his own business, that I can live my life as I see fit.

I felt myself slipping back into old, crappy patterns of co-dependency: not standing up for myself, taking the BS people dealt to me without thinking about it. "Just because they are giving it to you, doesn't mean you need to take it," my friend Ellen has said. That is true, and easier said than done.

What is the truth, though? Were those things my truth or were those Pedro's truth? He wants me to ski and fish and paddleboard--do I want those things too? Sure. I love to ski, but do I love it enough to do Leg Blasters every other day for six months? As of now, no. Do I need to make dinner after work instead of paddleboarding? Maybe I could skip dinner and paddleboard instead.

Part of Pedro's direct commentary on my life might come from living in therapy land for the past two years where direct conversation between the kids in his program was encouraged, even celebrated. Perhaps he is thinking of me as one of his former roommates, where he did tell them the truth as he saw it, and they gave it back. Maybe after many years of me being a parent to Pedro telling him what he needed to do, he feels like he can return the favor. 

Oy. That was not exactly what I had expected as my boomerang or karma gift, from parenting.

In time, I will change from sitting on my paddleboard to standing. First, I need to welcome and embrace falling in the water. I need to trust that I can get back on the paddleboard after I fall.

Parents are suppose to teach their kids new things, to let them know it is okay to fall, to encourage them to get back up. And after being away for two years, Pedro is doing that to me.

As American parents, how often do we encourage our kids to try and to fail and get back up, but all from the safety of the sidelines? Pedro never watched me on the soccer pitch. He never saw me run a cross country meet or perform in a band concert.* Yet, we expect and push our kids to perform.

Why did I feel so uncomfortable when my kid pushed me to do what I have been pushing him to do all of his life?

* I was in a dance recital as an adult. I'll have to find the blog post on that wild and crazy experince.