Love Me Back

I played in a pickle ball tournament this weekend and I "got my ass handed to me," which is pickle ball parlance for I lost. 

Badly.

In five games, my randomly assigned partner and I scored maybe seven points out of a possible total of 55. We lost two of the five games 0 to 11. It was painful. When we lost, I didn't come of out thinking, "I held my own." Instead, it was like "That was a fresh slice of hell."

As I've mentioned 435 times before, I didn't play competitive team sports as a kid. I danced and danced and danced. I played one season of Cardinal Boosters soccer in 8th grade because I thought it would be fun. Nope. It was horrific. I was playing with girls who played since they were tots. 

This was supposed to be an advanced beginner pickle ball tournament, but people in Seattle do not get the idea of what a beginner is. 

This loss stuck with me longer than it should have. Sunday when I had my regular pickle ball league, I had the shakes. I was freaking out, terrified. Maybe I should quit if it is making me feel like such shit. I talked to another friend at the tournament, whose team was in second to last place. She was an artsy kid, and like me, new to competitive sport as an adult. My god, we should form a pickle ball support group. "I love pickle ball, but it doesn't love me back" could be the theme.

That was how I felt: pickle ball doesn't love me as much as I love it. I am still a beginner and feel left behind. Why do I want something like this to love me back? It is ridiculous. My ex would say he'd wake up and realize his job wouldn't love him back. He sounded like he wanted the job to love him back, but it didn't. It couldn't. I never understood what he meant until now, and the crazy disappointment that rides along with that.

The funny thing is I have a hundred things I'd tell my friends or my kids if they came to me with this problem, starting with "You win some, you lose some." I can't believe I never had to put this into practice until middle-age. I've learned thousands of things in my life except how not to be butt-hurt when I get shellacked. Damn, it is humbling. 

I practice, but I have other stuff in my life, like a new job and my improv class. But the other things in my life are independent of my relationship with pickle ball. Why can't I be competent at more than one thing? Why is losing so fucking hard? My friend Katie says playing pickle ball is a Buddhist exercise in acceptance every time she plays. That is so true.

Then I see the other people playing. I don't know their stories. Maybe pickle ball is all they have. Maybe they lost their job or don't have one or have other stuff going on in their lives that are causing them heart ache and strain. Maybe playing pickle ball is helping them survive.

Maybe pickle ball is helping me to survive: survive my post-divorce rebirth, survive my career new job. Maybe pickle ball is my life raft, and when it sprung a big leak, I freaked out.