Looking for a Job and the Seven Stages of Grief

I accepted an apprenticeship with the Apprenti program last week. Yay! I have been quiet about it because I have fourteen weeks of training to successfully complete before I start the job and get paid. I am sure I will do fine with the training, but I am a little nervous, just because it is new. I am taking a massive leap of faith that this will all work out, as are the people who hired me. I am grateful for this program and am looking forward to the change. After a week of looking at colleges for Claire-Adele, I am also looking forward to the money. I made a spreadsheet to analyze our cashflow for the next nine years with kids in college, and it looks way better with me getting a paycheck. Like "I can sleep at night" kind of better. I am still hoping for scholarships, merit aid or one of my kids choosing an affordable state school, but in all cases me getting a salary helps significantly.

This is the end of the long journey of trying to figure out what to do next as my job as "stay-at-home-mom" reaches its "Sell By" date. Along the way, I have met dozens of women wondering what they are going to do next. This past winter at a ski lodge, I ran into a friend who is a stay-at-home mom who is looking for a job. She saw that I was part of a "Get a Job" group and she asked me about my job search. Marianna was an engineer who later got an MBA.

"The group was fine, but looking for a job is horrible," I said. "It is impossible to get past any HR screening without having worked recently. There are a dozen people out there who are working today doing the job that the HR people are looking for. Why should HR bring in someone like me?"

"But you are brilliant, Lauren!" Marianna said. "You have a great education, and you worked in consulting! Who wouldn't hire you?"

"I don't take it personally," I said, "It isn't so much about me as it is where I fit into the system. I've also tried networking and using my connections. I am overqualified for about 60% of the jobs out there, and underqualified for 60%, which means unless some laws of physics change, I am not getting a job. They don't know what to do with my volunteer experience. Sure, I believe anything is possible, but I also don't believe in unicorns." [This is the short version. I ranted for an hour like a bullet train.]

Marianna didn't look at me like I was a Debbie Downer who wasn't optimistic enough. She looked at me as if I were speaking an unspeakable truth, and said, "That's what I thought."

"But I did find this technology apprenticeship program, and I am applying for it. I know I need new skills. This program will give me specific skills for a specific job," I said. "I think this is the only reasonable way for me to re-enter the professional workforce."

Marianna decided to skip the few years of soul searching and apply to the apprenticeship program. I was happy to save her an extended period of grief. She applied to the program and was entered into the pool of apprentices for companies to hire. When she was offered her first interview with a hiring company, her husband balked, in a loveable, romantic way.

"You are so brilliant, Marianna! You have a great education and great work experience! Who wouldn't hire you?" he said. "You could make more money and not have to start at the bottom!"

I had heard this same speech from Jack before. Five years ago, I was offered a job making less money than when I was twenty-eight but more money than I will be making in the apprentice program.

"You shouldn't get dressed and out of bed for so little money," said Jack five years ago. "You are awesome and could make so much more! At a better job!"

I sighed. It was great he had so much confidence in me, and yet at the same time, he completely failed to be supportive. In the end, the job didn't work out because the owner of the company decided the position would require more traveling than I was available to do.

Marianna decided to look for a higher paying job before she accepts the apprenticeship. She kept her spot open, but will first look for something else. She might have better luck than me. She got her degree in Seattle, and she has work experience here. My degrees and paid work experience were all in Chicago, so my network isn't as robust as some people's.

I told Jack the story of Marianna and her husband. He said they need to go through the "Seven Stages of a Middle Aged Woman Returning to the Workforce Job Search Grief."

1. Disbelief: They can't believe that a woman with a professional degree who stayed home with her kids for years can't walk right back into the workforce where she left off. 
2. Denial: Of course she has a great degree and experience...from ten (or more) years ago. Why doesn't it count?
3. Anger: This sucks. She has a fancy degree and great experience and is treated like chopped liver. "Why did I decide to stay at home with the kids? I never would have if I knew how hard it would be to get a job."
4. Bargaining: "I'll take any kind of job. I'll do anything. Or maybe I'll write a novel..."
5. Guilt: "Ugh. I should have kept a foot in the workplace. I should have gotten a part-time job along the way. Maybe I should have chosen a job that I could have done while I was a mom instead of consulting where I had to travel so much."
6. Depression: "I will never get a job. I need to write a novel so I have something to do. I am underqualified. I don't know why anyone would hire me. I don't know what I would do anyway. I'd be scared to start a new job."
7. Acceptance and Hope: Finally, a job appears. It is not the high-powered job that everyone imagined at the start, but it has a lot of advantages and opportunity. "I'll learn some new skills and meet some new people. I have nothing to lose. And, Yay! I get to go back to work!"