This is a big deal, both kids in high school--a major milestone for them and me. I have a missing milestone this fall. As some of you who read my blog know, I had a full-term stillbirth many years ago. Ada would have been nineteen next month. She would have graduated from high school last spring, and left for college this fall. I have countless friends whose kids are leaving the nest--some the oldest, some the youngest, some the only. Monica's and Jen's kids left early August. Ashley's left two weeks ago. Others are waiting for UW to start in a few weeks. Thankfully, all of these departures are spread out over two months, otherwise there might be a giant wail-fest and/or celebration depending on the mother and child in question. I am grateful for the staggered start of college so I don't have to drink in all of the departures at once.
I have other friends whose kids have left for college before, but I am paying more attention this year than I have in the past in part because Claire Adele will be going next year, but in part because this would have been/could have been, my year, too, to launch a kid off to freedom and independence.
One of my husband's colleagues had a daughter leaving for Magill. "This is the time you reflect on whether or not you were the parent you wanted to be," she told Jack. When kids leave for college, they stop needing their parents every day. I remember reading all of the "books" (shorthand for parenting books) when I was pregnant with Ada. I had all sorts of ideas about "I will do this" and "I won't do that." All that got tossed out the window and reset when she died.
I re-read Where'd You Go Bernadette this week. Bernadette had several miscarriages before her daughter Bee was born. When Bee arrived, she had a major heart defect. Bernadette made a deal with god that if the baby lived, she'd stop being an architect and take care of this child. The kid lived and Bernadette kept her end of the bargain, which resulted in major complications.
I didn't quite make the same deal with god, but I did something similar. I quit my job when I was pregnant with Claire-Adele because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I lost another pregnancy. I wanted to stay at home and absorb every moment with her that I had missed with Ada, nevermind Ada would have been shuffled off to daycare because I made more money than Jack at the time and my salary paid the rent while his salary covered his school loans. I wanted to be there when Claire-Adele took her first steps and said her first words. I wanted to be there when she learned to read and do jigsaw puzzles and kick a soccer ball.
Is it or is it not a coincidence that I got a job when Ada would have left home? I am not sure, but at times I think it isn't. I could say the need to get a job was connected to when the Boy started high school or before Claire Adele leaves for college. Yet, something maternal in me is telling me I am done, that I have crossed a finish line. I have two more finish lines to go, but I feel like my first marathon is done. When I see Allison, Rick and Priya leaving for college, I feel as if Ada is leaving with them, even though she is a ghost. I feel a little bit like one of my own has left the nest, even though this little bird was never made it to the nest to start.
My rational self tells me none of what I wrote in the previous paragraph makes any sense. I wonder if there is a hormonal timer that was imprinted in me when Ada was born that started a clock ticking on my experience of motherhood. The timer was set to go off after nineteen years and wake me up, unaware that Ada had died before the timer started.
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