20

Adele names her albums after her age: 19, 21, 25.

Ada would have been 20 years old yesterday. If she were alive, I'd almost be done being her active parent.

Yeah. It is hard to believe. Two decades have passed. What would she have done this year for her birthday if she had been alive? Maybe she would have been a dancer. Or maybe pre-med. Or maybe she'd want to be an astronaut. Or banker. Maybe she would have been a an artist or a computer programmer. Maybe she would have been a great friend.

It was a gray day, but I think I held it together rather well. Anniversaries that end a zero (or five) are usually hard. I didn't actively think about Ada or her death for a majority of the day, but thoughts of her colored the day with a mist or a fog. I didn't think as clearly. It is like there is a sad soundtrack running along side my day that I can't hear but it slips into my subconscious. I wasn't as cheerful or chipper as a usually am, but nor was I crabby or irritable like I have been on other anniversaries. By crabby and irritable, I mean sickened with grief to be point I shouldn't be in the company of other humans. The nadir was the not the first anniversary of Ada's death, but the first Mother's Day. That was awful. There needs to be something on Mother's Day for women who lost a child. Seriously. I am a mother now, and I look back at my old self and feel sorry for her.

My dad sent me flowers this weekend, which always cheer me up.

He remembers every single year.