"I just heard an interview with Eve Ensler on NPR about apologies on the way over," he said. Finally, NPR is back to regular programming instead of constant chatter and dread about nightmare politics and the pandemic. Jack would often arrive for our phone calls with the Boy super anxious and/or pissed because he was listened to NPR on the drive to the condo. I recommended to Jack that he get his news from Trevor Noah. It is the same bad news but at least it is funny.
I digress.
"She explained that since the #metoo movement, none of the men accused of bad behavior has offered a sincere, legitimate apology," he said. (I'm like "Duh.") "I finally see what you mean when you say that I've haven't truly apologized for my bad behavior."
Right. We then watched Eve's Ted talk on apologies. Ironically, this was presented at a Ted conference for women when her speech addresses men, but whatever. The point is that there are four parts to an apology.
- Specifically say what you did. None of the "mistakes were made" bullshit.
- Offer an explanation of why you behaved this way. This is not to be confused with making excuses.
- Have empathy for how the other person felt about your behavior. Understand their pain.
- Make amends. Change your behavior. Don't do it again.
Is it just Americans--specifically American men--that do not know how to apologize? I have a friend from India who once explained to me that apologies are not hard: Admit what you did, say you are sorry, don't do it again. Apologies are easy to explain, harder to do. Maybe this is a cultural blindspot Americans have. My friend Anderson is from India and he gave me the best apology I've ever gotten in my whole life. He cut me off in a meeting and the next day apologized because he wanted to clear the air. The best thing about this whole apology was that I didn't register that he had cut me off. I didn't bother me at the time, but it had bothered him. He explained what he did (cut me off) and why he did it (he feared I was going to go rogue in the meeting), and then we discussed why. It was great.
Why apologize? Several reasons. It clears the air. It keeps emotional space between two people clean and tidy. Apologies prevent piles of shit from building up. It makes apologizee feel safe and heard, and the apologizer gets a clear conscience, which is freeing.
I am going to limit my expectations on this apology as an apology that deep and profound won't be easy. Twelve Step program are big on making amends, but there is a lot of introspection done first.
In other news, my blog post yesterday inspired me to think about my own future. I've decided when the pandemic is over, I am going to Alaska.
By myself.
This is a big deal. I've never been to Alaska and I am terrified of bears. Terrified. Alaska is full of bears. It probably has more bears than people. (I have no idea. I made that up.) I hate the bear exhibit at the Woodland Park Zoo because it looks like the bears could crawl over the wall. Jack and I went camping in the Smoky Mountains years ago and I freaked out because the campground doubled as a bear habitat. We ditched the tent and stayed in a motel because I couldn't sleep knowing bears were around, tramping around at night trying to steal my food.
Maybe I'll quit my job and move to Alaska and open a muffin and scone shop. Who knows? Maybe my life will turn into one of those crazy Netflix romance/melodrama like Virgin River (which I have not seen but saw the trailer) about bucolic life in a small mountain town. Here is what my life could be like: "Woman leaves her tech job and big city doctor husband behind as she seeks to find herself in the Last Frontier. The handsome bush pilot drops her in Alakanuk, a town of 677 people on the Yukon River. There she meets a kind and sensitive recovering Wall Street banker who is specializing in making artisanal moose jerky. When she discovers his stash of MAGA hats and his Sarah Palin fetish, she hightails is back to her progressive enclave in Seattle where she becomes a vegan."
Maybe I should focus on site-seeing and my inner journey instead of imagining my life as a Netflix series. I need to do some research. Maybe I can go in the spring and see the Northern Lights. Maybe I can go in the summer and see the Midnight Sun. Maybe I could go salmon fishing on a river with guide who can scare away the bears.
In the meantime, I can ask my friend Cara if I can borrow her cabin on the Olympic Peninsula for a weekend. That could work, too.
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