Untamed Again

"I am not sure I want to be in this relationship," Jack said earlier this week. He was mildly happy when he said this. He wasn't angry or bitter or pissed off.

My reaction? I was elated. Why? 

His comment was honest.

It wasn't some bullshit deep fried and covered in hot sauce trying to pass off as the truth. In the past year and a half, I'd ask him why he loved me and he said it was because I read the New York Times. 

For fuck sake. Really? After dating a bunch of guys who thought they were smarter than me because they were guys, I wanted to be loved and respected for my mind. I got what I wanted. (see "unamused" emoji: 😒)

Jack's uncertainty was honest because frankly our relationship sucks. To be fair, Jack and I have become more civil to each other over the past few months, but there was a time where we could not be in the same room alone for two hours without screaming at each other or me crying in frustration.

Two weeks ago, I had bought Jack a copy of Untamed by Glennon Doyle. The story is about Glennon's recovery from herself. She is an alcoholic who became sober when she was pregnant with her firstborn. Years later, she is recovering being a woman who fit society's expectations of her, not her expectations of herself. She found herself through her Knowing, as she calls it. It isn't her brain or thinking. This is what she finds deep inside herself when she becomes very quiet. I love this concept.

I didn't want to lend Jack my marked up copy of Untamed because I didn't want him to get pissed off when he read my notes in the margins. He needed a clean copy without my editorializing.

He started reading it this week.

"When I read it, I thought I was reading it to understand you," he said. "Instead, I am finding it applies to me. What do I want?"

Hallelujah praise the lord thank jesus.

This might be a massive sign of my recovery from being co-dependent. I want Jack to want what he wants, not to want what I want. In order to have a conversation about a relationship, both people need to know what they want, otherwise both people will end up being miserable. While it is possible to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't know what they want, it is often lonely.

In the meantime, I have learned a lot about myself this week. 

• I learned that everyone has their own Higher Power, and it isn't me. I grew up believing there was "One true God." Now I believe there are 7.8 billion gods. What might be right for Jack or the Boy or Claire Adele will be different than what is right for me.

• I learned that I am afraid of conflict and standing up for myself. I fear that if I stand-up for myself, that the person I stand up to won't like me anymore. I had this realization at work this week. I had to tell my manager that he needed a data analyst on the project he was working on, but he said "Nope, I'm good." Argh. I was pissed off not because I felt left out but because when he briefly looped me in, I could see mistakes in their process, mistakes that would not have been made had an analyst been involved from the start. I made my point and then let it be. Still, I fear pissing him off for telling him I thought he was making a mistake. I suppose I'll find out the rest of the story this week. Maybe he will be pissed out. Maybe it isn't about me. He has his Higher Power and I have mine. Of course, my craziness on fearing being abandoned has nothing to do with the situation at work. It has to do with my previous conditioning.

• I heard a great saying this week: "We need to engage in our emotions with out shutting down, lashing out or falling into addiction." Wow. I might not have fallen into addiction, but I very often shut down or when I feel really desperate, I lash out. Likewise, this person said they wanted to be in a relationship with someone who could do the same. Amen to that.