Why Can't I Want What I Want?

The other day, I was at community group event that had a silent bake-sale silent auction. The committee members baked holidays cookies put them up for sale. I bid on a bunch of stuff that looked good, but on the first pass, I didn't bid on the chocolate covered popcorn, a favorite holiday treat. 

Why didn't I bid on it? I bid on cranberry bread and cookies and whatnot, all of which looked delicious. My body wanted the popcorn, but my buzzkill brain said no. What the heck? It wasn't like my brain was vetoing the Bellagio* at the Cheesecake Factory. My brain should have said no to that. That is why I have a brain. But chocolate covered popcorn wasn't any more or less healthy than any other bake good on the tables. And I was willing to bid on stuff that I didn't prefer as much, so I wasn't saying no to the whole bake sale. My brain was saying no for the sake of saying no. On my second pass around the table, I bid on the popcorn. The rest of my body vetoed my brain's Grinch.

Yesterday, my brain pulled this same veto trick while I was shopping. I found this cute place where a woman makes leather goods, like purses and wallets. In the shop, a beautiful robin egg blue portfolio for a composition book caught my eye. Like, "Wow that is cool." I use composition books all the time for work. Having a nice portfolio would be fun. "That isn't practical. I should get a tan or black one." 

Brain -- you are killing me! Why wouldn't you let me want what I want? Why do you try to talk me out of something beautiful that would bring joy to my life? Why is the first impulse when I see something I like to say no? This portfolio was $60 -- not a bank breaker. I don't already own fifteen portfolios and you are trying to stop me from hoarding. You were just saying no for the sake of saying no. Why?

Why?

Is there some deep seated psychological root to this? Is this a habit that I have developed on my own, no one else to blame? I am so afraid of spending money that anything with a price tag causes me to pause? How long have I been subconsciously--and perhaps consciously--saying no to beautiful and lovely things?

Now that I am aware that I am doing this to myself, I am going to explore this phenomena. But first, you might want to know how the story ended. 

I won the popcorn and it was as delicious as I imagined. And I bought the portfolio.

So far, so good. Let's see what else happens when I learn to say yes.

* I don't know if this is still the case, but the Bellagio used to be the highest calorie meal (2,000) at a national restaurant chain.