The Head, the Heart and the Pussy

I am still here, "single as a Pringle" as my daughter has said.

What am I looking for in a partner? What does this search entail? I am not so much looking for "The One," but rather someone my head, my heart and my pussy can all agree, which is easier said than done. Think of this like aligning chakras, but three instead of seven.

What does the head want? So many things. She is the pickiest of the bunch. She wants someone who is curious about the world, from reading books, knowing what is going on in the world, traveling, has hobbies, whatever. Curiosity doesn't mean busybody. They can be quiet and still and still be curious. She wants someone I can spend ten hours on a train with and get along and have a decent conversation. She wants a guy who is financially responsible. She has to be careful not to let her ego get in the way, and pick a guy because he has a cool car, but seriously, a cool car is a plus.

The pussy wants someone who is fuckable. Hot, reasonably fit*, smells nice, not a douchebag. She is pretty simple, basic animal attraction in play here.

The heart, she is the most tender, the most vulnerable. She often takes a backseat while the pussy and the brain are duking in out. Her voice is the softest, the quietest, and is often heard last. She has to rise above the clatter of her other two sisters. She wants someone who is kind, compassionate and caring.

* Fit can vary. My ex was a Division I swimmer when I met him, but I can't compare a college athlete to a middle aged guy with a desk job.

The Gauntlet & I Can Buy my Own Flowers (Jigsaw Puzzles and Office Supplies are More Like It)

I survived.

This morning, I woke up with a grateful sense of ease. Finally, I can see and feel the light at the end of the tunnel.

The horrible stretch of holidays, my former anniversary, my ex's birthday and Valentine's Day are over. 

Thank god.

The past several months have been hard, probably the hardest I've had since the divorce. Once I got back from Brazil, Christmas and New Year's happened, with the kids dividing their time between Jack and I. January marks the anniversary of our wedding, followed shortly by Jack's birthday and then Valentine's Day, all reminders of what had and hasn't been. One right after the other, without time to bounce back or recover before another reminder hit.

Knowing this is part of the grief process doesn't make it easier. While I abhor the expression "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," I can see the same sentiment from a reverse angle: the grief you don't feel will eventually dampen and block the light inside. Grief isn't meant to kill us, to keep us hiding inside or living in fear. We have lost something external to ourselves, perhaps a very important connection that made us part of who we are. We continue to live, even though the "new normal" is not what we dreamed of or hoped for.

To get through this stretch, I channelled Miley Cyrus and bought myself flowers. I had made plans with my girlfriends ahead of time for the anniversary, booking a comedy show months in advance. That weekend was wonderfully busy and full of love from my friends. I bought two Liberty jigsaw puzzles to treat myself, one of foxes dancing in the moonlight, another of an owl and flowers. For Jack's birthday, I bought myself more presents: posh bath towels, a new sweater, lipstick from my friend's cosmetic company, and lacy underwear. I got an overnight bag for future weekend trips. My favorite item on my retail therapy binge were notebooks for work to track my tasks, to cross things off the list to get the rush of accomplishment, no matter how small.

Surviving hard times is no small feat. Leaving untenable situations to leap off into the unknown is no small feat. Transitions are hard, but staying stuck is worse.

I think of my Dad, almost half of his lifetime ago, when he quit his job. He was in his mid-forties, and I was a sophomore at an expensive college. My mother supported his decision to leave what had previously been a good job but had turned into something different when the organization went through several leadership changes. I can't speak for my dad to say how awful the job was or wasn't, but I am guessing it was soul sucking.

Sometimes we need to quit, to say no, this isn't working, this isn't how I want to live. And even if we are 100% convinced we are making the right decision, that there is no solution or possible reconciliation, it is still hard.

At first.

But then it slowly gets better, and we can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Which isn't really light in a tunnel, but instead our own light coming back into being.

Teenage Rebellion and the MLC (Mid-Life Crisis)

Are mid-life crises necessary? Are they an unavoidable part of being an adult? I ask because I have a few friends going through their MLCs. Mine started five years ago, and I am still adjusting to living in the new normal as a result of the upheaval. It is interesting to watch others going through their MLC as mine is in the past. My life has taken a different direction going forward.

Yes, I think MLCs are a normal part of life, but the degree to which people are impacted may vary based on their circumstances. 

I was reading a book by Bruce Fisher on relationships and he describes the nature of teenage rebellions, which aren't much different than an MLC. I never realized this, but teenage rebellions are natural part of growing up. When I was a kid, teenage rebellion was looked at as a bad and dangerous phase, where kids could get carted off to prison for doing drugs. The teenage rebellion was to be avoided.

Fisher says teenage rebellion is simpler. When kids are little, they model or mirror themselves based on their parents. The teenage rebellion is the transition from the mirroring phase to having their own identity, where they reconcile what they have grown up with and what they want to become. I believe most painful teenage rebellions are in part because the parents don't want their kid to change. Parents like their little mini-me's, and then balk at their kid's transformation. 

Kids needs to transform. Fisher says in his book that kids who don't rebel will rebel later in life, and it might look like a meltdown in their marriage or professional life.

So what is the MLC? I've been reading a lot of Richard Rohr lately, and one of my favorite books is Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life. According to Rohr, the first half of life is often lived in the ego, and for good reason. We need to build our lives: our homes, our careers, our families and friend circles. Living in the ego like this only holds for so long before. If we stay in the ego, we end up constantly chasing the next big thing, the next rush, whether it is more vacation homes, more cars, more money, more promotions, faster race times. 

All of those are fine by themselves, but they won't fill our emotional and spiritual lives. If we look for these things to fill out lives, we will only become more miserable as we chase things that cannot make us at peace. Accomplishment only goes so far before we break.

Some people might not live so much in the ego, so their reckoning might be smaller or easier. For some people, it might be a big fall. Others might not fall at all, but double-down on their ego-boosting addictions, which will only prolong their misery. This doesn't mean we have to give up our lives, but rather our ego's attachment to it.

So to those friends who are struggling through the transition, I see you. Fall into it, don't fight it. The struggle is a beautiful and wonderful, and life is more peaceful and serene on the other side.