Bigger Than the Whole Sky

If there is a feeling in the world—with the exception of being a parent, Taylor Swift has probably written about it.

“Bigger Than the Whole Sky” is a song about grief, with some theories suggesting it is about a pregnancy loss. 

As many of you know, I had a stillbirth twenty-seven years ago. Each year around this time, I remember Ada. My dad sends me flowers every year on her anniversary, which I am always grateful for. 

This year, the grief hit me harder than it typically does, and I didn’t know why. Maybe I am looking back, and wondering how my life might have been different if she had lived. But why now? Why not when my kids were little? Why now that I am divorced and an empty-nester?

Maybe now I have more space for the grief, more than I did after Claire-Adele and Pedro were born. I was so busy being their mother that I didn’t really have time to miss Ada and wonder how my life might have been different. I was grateful—and am grateful—for my kids. I traveled with each of them this summer and it was great. I would trade them for all of heaven and earth. I am so lucky. 

And I still wonder what direction my life might have taken if Ada had lived. I might have been a working mom. Jack and I might have stayed in Chicago and not moved to St Louis or Seattle. Motherhood might have been easier, and then life might have been easier. I might have had less fear and more confidence and joy. I wonder if my marriage would have not have imploded.

Thankfully, it isn’t every day that I revisit this grief. I am learning not to fear this impending grief. Perhaps I can view it as a visit from Ada. She’s stopping by to say hello and wish me well. Maybe instead of crying about it, maybe I can welcome her in, and we can have a cup of tea.