What Would Elizabeth Bennet Do?

A few of my friends, as am I, are going through really difficult times in their marriages. As I talk to my friends and think about myself, I am starting to ask "What would Elizabeth Bennet do?"

For those of you not entirely familiar with Pride and Prejudice written in 1813 by Jane Austen and turned into a dozen movies in more recent times, Elizabeth Bennet is the main character who meets Mr. Darcy, an intelligent, handsome, wealthy and brooding man with limited social graces. (Mr. Darcy grew up with no one ever calling him on his bullshit because he was Mr. Darcy.) Mr. Darcy falls in love with Elizabeth and he asks her to marry him against his better judgment because of her low connections, etc. to which she tells him she wouldn't marry him if he were the last man in the world:

“From the very beginning—from the first moment, I may almost say—of my acquaintance with you, your manners, impressing me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain of the feelings of others, were such as to form the groundwork of disapprobation on which succeeding events have built so immovable a dislike; and I had not known you a month before I felt that you were the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed on to marry.”

Ah, Elizabeth Bennet and the power of no. The power of "I find this behaviour unacceptable." The power of "I won't put up with this bullshit even if you are smart, handsome and rich."

We must also look at Ms. Bennet's behaviour before she tells Mr. Darcy to fuck off. She refuses to marry the insufferable Mr. Collins even though he would secure her family's estate after Mr. Bennet dies. She dallies with Mr. Wickham, whom she later realizes is a cad and then she backs off her affections for him. This is a woman who knows what she does and does not want. She has standards.

When Elizabeth said no to Mr. Darcy,  the ball was in his court. What did he do then? To finish the story, Mr. Darcy listened to Elizabeth, and then goes out of his way to demonstrate to her that he is not the self-absorbed jerk that she thinks he is. The romance isn't just saved because Elizabeth spoke. She was walked away, Mr. Darcy acted and Elizabeth revised her opinion of him; hence, Pride and Prejudice is considered one of the great feminist love stories of all time.

Being Elizabeth Bennet is a lot harder once you are married, but shouldn't the same standards apply to the people we are married, too, perhaps even more so? I was reading an article on Medium.com which also channels Elizabeth Bennet: "You cannot have a real relationship unless you are willing to leave the relationship."

The challenge is harder when there are kids and a mortgage. It makes it harder to walk away, and so people put up with greater and greater levels of inappropriate behaviour. This isn't to say conflict and open disagreement is bad. As the Medium article by Brianna West states,

"Couples who are more confrontational are typically healthier and happier. Can you say your truth? Can you risk losing the relationship? The more you can say ‘I am unhappy,’ the happier you can be. This is because the more honest you can be about your needs, the more you’re giving your partner a chance to understand and adapt to them. When your primary goal is to sustain the relationship because you’re afraid to lose it, you’re more inclined to stay quiet and small, even though you feel disrespected or neglected."

Jane Austen couldn't have said it better herself.