Happy Days and Waterworks

I went to water aerobics last night at my gym. It was the second time I’ve taken this class. I’ve been in the pool countless times before, doing kick board laps. 

Before the class, I was sobbing. I was crying and crying and I couldn’t stop for about twenty minutes. It was kind of weird. Work has been crazy lately, but not that bad. 

When I got to class, the crying continued. I saw my neighbor in the class, which was nice. It is good to get to know someone in my building. 

Water aerobics. Water aerobics. Water aerobics. 

When I was pregnant with Ada, I was taking water aerobics. It was my first pregnancy and I was clueless. I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant, either. Before I knew I was pregnant, after one class felt like I was having my period but didn’t and what the heck was this about?

Duh.

That was a happy time. I don’t want to sound dramatic about it, but being pregnant with Ada was probably the happiest time of my life. My career was soaring, my marriage was in a peaceful and wonderful place, and I had never been in better shape outside of high school.

Life was good.

Really good.

And the Ada died.

I grieved and I cried and all the things. I was grateful when Claire-Adele and Pedro came along, of course. I love them and I think they are two of the coolest people I know.

And still. 

Jack believes the root cause of our marriage collapsing was Ada’s death. I call bullshit on that, but that is what he believes. It is his truth, and I do believe he probably never properly grieved for Ada and instead kept his sorrow and sadness buried instead exposed to light where things aren’t as scary.

Nevertheless, I am back at water aerobics and damn it is hard. I love water aerobics because it so both cardio and resistance without a lot of pressure on my knees.

Maybe it was the water aerobics twenty seven years ago that made me feel so wonderful. Life can be good at times but sometimes we miss seeing how good it is because we are preoccupied or distracted. Maybe it was water aerobics that helped opened the gates to my well being. 

After Ada died, I stopped going to water aerobics. I couldn’t go. It was too painful to go back to the pool where I felt so relaxed and energized and full of peace.

And happy.

The pool reminded me of when I was happy and I wanted no part of it, even though it was just a pool and water.

Even though I was sobbing last night before the class, I went anyway. The teacher waved and said hello to me. She knows my name somehow, bless her heart.

I still cried at the class. The pool is a salt water pool, so my tears blended right in. 

Accepting where I am right now is a powerful thing, as hard as it is. It is okay to cry at the pool and sob before class. I’ll be okay. It will all be okay. Happy days will come again, but I’m gonna need to slog through some sad ones first.