As my horoscope continues, "As the scar tissue of togetherness, it can be beautiful and poignant. Now is an especially good time to appreciate and honor your jeong. Celebrate and learn from the soulful mysteries your history has bequeathed you."
I read this the day after my water aerobics melt down where I was time travelled back to when I was pregnant with Ada, a golden era of my life and marriage. I think of my ex and the decades of shared experiences we had together. It can be hard to break free from this. How can I find a way forward without spending so much time looking back? How can I not be haunted by my ghosts?
I think the answer is to invite the ghosts in with acceptance, as hard as that is. Let the ghosts sit down and have tea. Ghosts become less scary when we can see them in the light. If Buddha could invite his monsters in for tea, so can I.
I recently had a hard time wondering how I can look back at my life for all of the years since I was nineteen. All of those years were filled with my ex. Sure, I had work and friends and the kids, but Jack was the common denominator. He knows my history, and I know his. I can't pretend that he didn't or doesn't exist.
Maybe the answer isn't so much to look back, but to be here right now, and to look forward. I have a friend who rides horses. Today she told us you are supposed to look at ahead of you, and not look at your hands of the reins. Your hands and the reins won't help you get where you want to go.
I was talking to a friend about Phase 2 of divorce where the wounds have stopped bleeding and we can start moving forward. We see our exes move forward without us, and that is hard. It can feel like betrayal.
Moving forward without our exes can also feel like betrayal, even the inconsequential stuff that our exes don't know or don't care about.
I am still figuring all of this out. One day I should get it right.
No comments:
Post a Comment