The Boy and the GF & You Never Can Tell

The Boy has a girlfriend. The dating world of our kids approached Jack and me with the silence of a Tesla. The Boy and the GF have been together since late December, so this is an eternity in middle school years. More than most middle school couples of my memory, the Boy and the GF are actually friends. They talk on the phone, eat lunch together, and are in a few school clubs together.

The GF is lovely. I won't comment on her loveliness here because on the very rare chance one or both of them reads this, they would be embarrassed. I'll just say the GF will be a tough act to follow.

This idea of my kids dating is new to me, and I am not sure how to act. When the Boy and the GF first became a couple, I told my dad.

"This will last about three days," he laughed.

"They are actually friends," I said.

My dad paused. "The Vances have been together since high school," he said. The Vances are friends of my parents who have been married for more than forty years. "You never can tell."

You never can tell, as Bruce Springsteen sings here. Maybe the Boy and the GF will last a few more days or weeks, or maybe months or ever years. There probably is a chart someplace that calculates the odds of a middle school relationship lasting through high school, through college, into adulthood or into a long-term marriage.

I have no idea what the odds of this will be. Today the GF came over to our home and hung out with the Boy before going to watch his soccer game. Watching the game meant she hung out on the sidelines with the Jack and I while the Boy warmed up and then played. The GF happily chatted with us.

After chatting with the GF--the first significant other I've met of either of my children, I came to a new thought. No matter what I think of her (or any other future girlfriend), it will be in my best interest to treat this young woman as the potential wife of my son and mother of my grandchildren. The odds are low* that this relationship will last a long time, but you never can tell. Years from now, I don't want her to remember that I was dismissive or treated her poorly when they first started to date. Jack and I had dated for a year in college before I met his parents. The first time I met my future mother-in-law, she greeted me with a hug. I will never forget that act of warmth and welcome.

Other parents of people I've dated were not nearly as nice. The most common form of new girlfriend torture I've experienced is being grilled, questioned about my background, interests, political views and what my father does for a living in the first ten minutes of meeting them. I will try to take an interest in the people my kids date, but I will try to spare everyone the agony of interrogation.

Being nice to the GF and getting to like her has a cost--I could get my heart broken, too. If I start to like her, I will be sad if or when they break up. If the Boy dumps her, I will be sad for her. If she dumps him, I will be sad for him. I know relationships have their ups and downs, rocks and soft spots, but I will have to let the Boy manage that. The GF is his girlfriend, his choice, not mine.

The Boy and I have recently been talking about risk. While it is unlikely that his phone will break without a case on the way to school, the cost to replace it will be high if it does break. The longer he goes without a case, the greater the odds of it breaking and the more likely it will be rendered useless.

My ideas on risk for a cell phone are the opposite of what I think about my son's GF. I know the odds are almost impossible that the Boy and the GF will end up together long-term. The odds of heartbreak are high, but I will bet on the longshot, and continue to treat the GF as one day she might become part of my family.

If nothing else, I should grateful for the joy she brings him today. That alone deserves my kindness.


* I accidently typed "love" instead of "low" at first. What would Freud say?