Baby Lust v Wanderlust

Last week when I was out out my friend Clarissa, I confessed something scary, mortifying and illogical.

I've been having baby lust.

The last time I had an epic case of baby lust was when I was four months pregnant with the Boy. I was walking through a Pottery Barn Kids and I swear to god I ovulated in the store, my heart pleading "Oh my god I want a baby!" It was crazy then because I was already pregnant. Now, I see babies and toddlers everywhere, or at least I am noticing them, which is the first step to baby lust. Seeing babies. I also notice where I am not seeing children, which is also important.

Now, it is just plain crazy. Or is it? When I told my friend Clarissa--who grew up on the South Side of Chicago where all of the families had eight kids, I thought she would tell me I'm nuts. Instead, she said that made total sense. "I get it. I wish I had a bigger family," she said. She already has four kids.

Part of this might be because I am an early empty-nester, that I wasn't ready for this. I miss the Boy and yet I know he is in a good spot. Since I can't get him back, why not have another? I could adopt or something.

Maybe it is because I am reading lots of parenting books right now, which is hard without having a child in the house. If I am reading parenting books, then I should have a kid, right? But the Boy and Claire-Adele aren't here, maybe I should get another kid?

Maybe part of me wants another chance not to screw it up. Maybe I want another chance to not be so worried about the kid, but just feel the joy, be less neurotic, be more patient, understanding. No wait, that is bullshit. I was plenty patient and understanding. What I really needed to do was be patient and understanding and still hold firm boundaries. Whatever I did wrong with the Boy, I want to fix it.

Or, Maybe I just want to get the hell out of Dodge and see the world. Do I want to go to Rio? Prague? Istanbul? India? Kyoto? Kenya? Spain? Heck, maybe I just want to hike that abandoned two mile train tunnel in Snoqualmie.

I think in reality, I want to do both, which would probably require some sort of change to the physics of time where I could live several lives, like in the book Einstein's Dreams. Maybe I want a layered life, where I could stack different experiences on top of each other.