Family

This weekend, I listened to Esther Perel's talk on modern love and relationships that she gave at the South by Southwest conference in 2018. She covers a lot of ground in this video, so I'll probably watch it again to get more out of it.

A topic that struck me was how families have changed over time as we have moved from an agricultural society, to an industrialized one, to now a global and connected society. I am trying to figure this out. Our communities have changed as people move around the country and world for the sake of a job and economic opportunity. A vast majority of my friends in Seattle were born and raised in another part of the U.S., and don't have family in town. Where I work, half of my team is from India and they often don't have extended family in town, either. Even though I come from a different culture than them, we both have our extended families living someplace else, and we have to figure out who is our community as a result. I never thought of having that commonality with them until now. I am two thousand miles away from my dad and they are seven thousand miles from their families.

For those of us not from Seattle, we have to find and/or make our own communities that serve as surrogate families. Perhaps these are families of choice. At my birthday party this year, I gave a speech where I told my friends that they are part of my Seattle family. I then told a short story about each person I invited and how much I appreciated them.

Are these people my family? Are they filling the role for what used to be filled by aunts and uncles, grandmas and grandpas? Yes and no. These friends are my friends, but they don't play the same role in the lives of my kids. My friends don't take my kids out for lunch or shopping as my Aunt Pat used to do with me. Family is a web, where everyone is connected to everyone else directly.

Not having family in town puts a lot of pressure on a marriage. When the marriage is under stress, there is less place to seek relief. For years, the only people in my family in Seattle were Jack, the Boy and Claire-Adele. Now, two out of three of those people live outside of Washington. I have my dad in Ohio, but my mom is mentally gone and my brother is crazy. I have aunts in Chicago who are busy with their own families. I can't easily turn to my aunts. Jack can't easily turn to is brother and sister. Who else do I have? Maybe I should have had a few more kids. Seriously. I love the ones I have, but maybe I should have had a few extra. It would at least give my kids perhaps more support as they grow older. Or maybe not -- maybe they too will move to where they find meaningful and fulfilling work.

I've been lucky--I have had lots of friends, neighbors and co-workers who have stepped in and supported me at my worst, at my lowest, my nadir when the Boy was in crisis and settling into treatment. If family is defined as people who stick with you through thick and thin, then I have learned watching the Boy go through Wilderness and treatment that I have lots of people here who are my tribe, my clan, my people. Even if they aren't directly connected to the Boy, they have helped him by helping me.