What did I do? and Enable v Fail

At the parents workshop at the Boy's therapeutic boarding school, the therapists asked the parents what we did to contribute to our kids needing to be there.

It was a tough question. Half of me resents it. Do they ask parents of kids with cancer what they did to cause their kids to have cancer? No. Do they ask parents of kids with Downs Syndrome what they did to have a kids with a developmental disability? No. Do they ask parents of kids with autism what they did? When I posed this question to the Boy, he replied with a hearty and hale "They vaccinated their kid!"

(He was kidding. Even though he is depressed and has anxiety, buried deep inside he has a wicked sense of humor. I can't wait until it comes back.)

The other half of me took this question "What did I do?" seriously. What did I do? Part of me thinks I should get a medal for dragging my son--who five months ago had the mood and personality of a wet bag of cement--to Wilderness and therapeutic boarding school.

Maybe the better question is what could I have done differently or what should I have done?

Before that, let me consider my options. But before that, let's differentiate parents from partners. Mutual relationships are quite different than parent and child.

Given that I am the Boy's mom, what were my choices?

Generally speaking, the green circles are better for raising a self-reliant and confident person. Yet, some parents can do all of the red clouds above, and their kid will be fine. Some parents can do all of the green stuff, and their kid will have issues. Sometimes the parents do the green clouds, and then that doesn't work, so they try to the red clouds and that doesn't work either. Maybe they try purple or orange clouds, which then means things get really messed up. Some of the kids in Wilderness experienced trauma outside of the home. Is a parent to blame for that? Hell. No.

Why don't the green circles automatically work? Because kids are people and people aren't widgets. There is no one strategy that will guarantee success, happiness, and self-actualization for kids. The kid needs the motivation to become a self-reliant adult, but sometimes mental health issues coupled with bad habits can prevent that from happening, not matter what the parent tries. As my manager famously said the other day, "If they don't open their mouth, you can't put the food in."

Two weeks ago, I asked the Boy what I could have done differently. "Nothing," he said. "I was a blank book with no title on the cover. If I didn't know what was going on or how I felt, how could I have expected you to know?"

Which brings me to the final point: yes, I could have done things differently. I could have parented more in the green clouds. Would that have prevented my son from needing Wilderness and boarding school? Very likely not.