Bandwidth

This weekend, my dad commented that I haven't posted recently on my blog.

This past summer has been crazy, with two trips to Montana, the Boy coming home, Claire-Adele coming home, layoffs at the company where I work and the Boy transitioning to the next phase of his program where he will attend a public high school in Montana while living with a handful of his peers from the boarding school (residential treatment? in-patient treatment?) in a house in town.*

This weekend, I was super tired. I slept a lot on Sunday, which was good. I'm still tired, but I will make it through the week, I hope.

As I am recovering from a busy few months and a very intense two years, I am taking time to take care of myself. The bandwidth I have to take care of myself is expanding, and I am almost feeling flooded by the need to attend a bunch of stuff that has been unattended for years. I feel like I moved into a house years ago, and then a bunch of unwanted guests moved in a trashed the place. Now, the unwanted guests are out and I am assessing the damage. Do I think of my family as unwanted guests? No, but rather I didn't have the appropriate boundaries in place to keep myself sane, and to keep my inner space clean and calm.

No wonder I am exhausted.

The good news is, I actually am looking forward to cleaning up the mess. I am looking forward to having a clean, calm inner space. I am feeling better as I address these issues that have been festering. I am re-learning to stand up for myself. I used to stand up for myself, but somewhere it got lost along the way.

I am glad to be finding my way back.

* Saturday night, the Boy called. It had been his turn to make dinner. He made chili and was exceptionally proud of his homemade cornbread.