I am a Walrus

Thanks to the quarantine, I am turning into a walrus. I barely move and I am gaining weight. If this quarantine continues for a few more months, I will gain enough weight that the only way I will be able to get around will be to swim or float in water where buoyancy will help me to move.

How did walruses evolve to be so massive and lumpy? They don't look like they should be able to move, at least on land anyway. According to my internet search, walrus live in the Arctic and eat marine animals near the ocean. Perhaps their mass keeps them warm in that climate.

A few months ago, I started on the Keto diet not to lose weight, but to stop gaining it. I bought a bathroom scale. I wore my work clothes during the day just to make sure I could fit in them when the quarantine ends I go back to the office.

Then I thought, fuck it.

It started Wednesday, where I ate all day. I had a quaffle (a croissant cooked in waffle iron--pure carbohydrate heaven) for breakfast instead of eggs. I had leftover pizza (from the freezer) for lunch, popcorn in the mid-afternoon. I snacked on pistachios and crackers before dinner, which was salmon, salad, rice and beurre blanc.

Lauren, you might be thinking. That isn't so terrible.

You are right. Then I attacked a pint of cookies and cream with a spoon before I went to bed. I live alone. I don't need a bowl to eat ice cream. I can eat it straight out of the carton if I please.

This is my confession. I need to admit my weakness in order to reverse this trend. I've worn yoga pants to work every day this week. Yoga pants--a fancy way of saying "sweats." Now I know everyone is wearing sweats, but I thought I had enough willpower, that I felt better when I got dressed up. What happened?

Maybe it is December, the month most like the Arctic that is driving me to comfort? Maybe walruses are right. Maybe it is cool to be comfortable. Relaxed. Chill. Lazy.

Last week when one of my children was in town for Thanksgiving, we went shopping at Nordstrom. It was Thanksgiving weekend, and there were more workers in the store than shoppers. Will people go back to wearing regular clothes again, where we dress like humans for fun and decoration and not just for functional purposes? I think of these stores, what will happen to them. Will they go out of business? Will their stock tank? For now, retailers and clothing stores may suffer and struggle. 

Then I think of all of the new clothes I am going to need when this all ends.