Girlfriends & Boyfriends

I have a bigger circle of girlfriends now in my mid-forties than I did when I was sixteen.   This strikes me as peculiar.  I would have thought that I would have had a larger posse when I was younger, as my husband and family would fill that space.  Instead, the opposite happened.

When I was a sophomore in high school, I had a boyfriend.  Kyle and I dated through middle of my junior year.  My senior year, I met Ian and we dated all of that year.  My freshman year of college was really the only time I didn't have a steady boyfriend, at least until I met Jack at the end of the year.

In high school and most of college, I considered my boyfriends to be my best friends.  I had standing dates with them every Friday and Saturday night.  Ian would call me every night, and we would talk on the phone for an hour.  I had girlfriends, but they did not take up as much space.  I would go out with them occasionally.  At my 20 year high school reunion, I regretted having a boyfriend and not nurturing my friendships with other girls.   I only have three people to talk to about that time.  Betty and Mary are still great friends, and I keep in touch with them.  Likewise, in college I have three women in keep in touch with.  Jack was my best friend during that time. 

After living in Seattle for almost ten years, my circle of friends larger than it has ever been.  I feel truly fortunate to know such intelligent, kind and caring women.  Some are quiet and reserved, others are bold and bossy.  All of them are well loved. 

While my husband was drifting away with his job, I was creating a bigger social network to make up for the loss of my primary partner.  Jack's primary partner became his job, and all that came with it:  the adoration, accolades, and acceptance.  The job also has its challenges.  He kept both the good and the bad hidden from me: the buzz and the downsides.  I raised the kids, and he look back and occasionally offer input.  Before he the crisis emerged, he said he was beginning to resent us as we cut into the time could spend on work.  He did this instead of resenting a job that took him away from his family.  He said he was wondering if he would be better off alone so he could get more done.

So, what is there left to save in this marriage?  Jack says he wasn't happy during that time, but he didn't know how to turn to the marriage for support.  A friend countered that I am kind and generous friend, and he could have found me in his home.  But addiction will do that to people.  The drinker doesn't like to hear he drinks to much.  Instead of looking inward to see if he has a problem, he avoids those who recognize it.

I ask myself if Jack is just a flawed man, a man who is otherwise good but slipped into bad habits?  But do those bad habits make the person?  At what point does he slip into becoming a bad man, as his habits became pervasive, a way of life?  When he told me he didn't have time for therapy when I said I wanted to go back?  When I asked for support in looking for a job and he was more concerned about how it would fit into his schedule than be concerned about my general welfare and happiness?  When he failed to tell me about major parts of his work life?

I talked to a friend today who said I needed to look at those things as the old Jack, and take a look at his new and emerging behavior.  How is he changing?  Is he trying to be different?  Yes, I will answer, but I was fooled before.  I didn't realize how much he was hiding from me about his work life.  How could I support him when I didn't know?  How will I know he has truly changed and in a meaningful way?  I don't know.