Happy?

Last week, a friend recommended a new meditation app. I usually I use Calm but he recommended "Ten Percent Happier" based on a book by Dan Harris. I haven't read the book, but I thought I'd give the app a try.

I loaded the app on my phone on Friday, but I didn't try it until yesterday afternoon between eating my Top Pot Donut treat and before I went shopping for a new oven for the condo. I was really stressed about getting a new range. I called my friend Ellen to talk about it. She just moved and is remodeling her new place. Within the past few weeks, she's bought all new appliances. I told her I get overwhelmed looking at appliances, comparing features and specs and price point and consumer reviews. Really. It freaks me out.

Ellen suggested I listen to my heart to see how I should go about picking a range. 

"How did you pick your appliances?" I asked. 

"I pick the pretty one," she said.

To mellow myself out before I went shopping, I listened to one of the basic meditations on "Ten Percent Happier." I'm always a little nervous to try something new. I prefer the tried and true, the comfortable.

This meditation was about intentions.

May I be safe.

May I be happy.

May I be at ease.

This should be nice and easy, except it wasn't. I started arguing in my head with the mediation leader about happiness. Should I really wish to be happy? Isn't that asking for too much? I am with being safe and at ease, serene and sane. But happy? I read in a bunch of parenting books that you shouldn't want your kids to be happy, you should want them to grow up to be independent. Happy implies never making them upset or angry or disappointed. Life is full of pain. The challenge of life is to embrace the pain without being consumed by it. 

Then I started to think that there is something wrong with me for not wanting to be happy. In some twelve step programs, they talk about being happy, joyous and free. What is the opposite of happy joyous and free? I don't want to be sad, miserable or trapped.

Today I was talking to some friends and the conversation came up of what would you do if you had unlimited courage. The question was harder for me to answer than it should have been. 

To be honest, the first thing I thought of was to get season tickets to the Seattle Sounders. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it is because it takes courage to have fun, to be in a large crowd again. Sounders games are fun. It is cool to cheer for your team.

Maybe I want to have the courage to be happy, joyous and free.