American emergency rooms are overrun with teenagers suffering from depression and anxiety. There aren't enough psych beds for all of these kids. And these are the ones who make it to the hospital. Thousands more are struggling at home and at school.
Having had a kid in treatment for two years, I have a few thoughts on how we can deal with this epidemic, based on my own experience.
Caveat: This advice has no blame or shame. Instead, we need to honestly look at what is happening in our families before we can address root issues.
First: Mother's Day. My son took my to lunch and said, "Mom, I was neglected in middle school." I was running for School Board at the time and Jack was working days and nights and weekends. "You gave Claire-Adele and I money for dinner, and that was bullshit. I was in sixth and seventh grade and had to eat dinner on my own three nights a week." I told Claire-Adele this story and she agreed. "And when you were around, all you asked Pedro was if he did his french homework."
I'll admit it -- this was not good parenting. My kids were not seen or heard for a few years. I did the best that I could at the time, but my best was mediocre.
Fast forward a few years to Pedro's full-blown anxiety and depression in high school. When Pedro went to Wilderness therapy, the counselors told the parents to get into their own therapy. Why? Your kid didn't end up here on their own. You child is part of a family system, and something broke in that system. The child is the identified patient. The family has an illness, but the kid is the one with the symptoms. In order for the kid to get better, the family has to get better.
Many kids survive and even thrive in a sick family. They are the lucky ones, but the illness may catch up with them at some point.
Experience #1: Parents -- deal with your own shit, whatever it is.
Are you in a shitty marriage? Either fix it or get out. Drink or have another type addiction? Seek recovery. Haunted by the ghosts of your family? Who isn't. Get to therapy and learn to love yourself.
In all of the family therapy and recovery groups I have been in for the past few years, this was by far the best advice I ever got:
Experience #2: Don't split the ambivalence.
I was talking to Claire-Adele and she asked what this meant. It means let you kids struggle with their own decisions: good, bad and ugly. Let say an eighteen year old wants to do drugs. They are technically an adult and can make that decision. Most parents don't want to see their kids excessively drink or do drugs, especially if they previously had addiction issues.
Don't take the struggle of those decisions away. It is their life, they need to own their own decisions. At heart, this is really about letting go of control as a parent. "Don't split the ambivalence" means don't pick a side in your child's struggle. If they are struggling if they want to do drugs or not, and you come down and scream and cry "Don't do drugs! You'll break my heart!" you have removed the ambivalence.
Of course, you can set consequences if they do drugs, like "If you come home high, no car for a month." Mean it, and take the car away if they get high, but let the decision be theirs.
Experience #3: Screen time breeds isolation, and isolation breeds depression.
Get off your phone and look at the people around you. Parents, this means you, too. Set an example. Go to the gym or for a walk in the park instead of playing games on your phone.
Experience #4: Fuck the french homework.
I am not saying academic success isn't important. It is, but it is falls after being loved and seen and heard. Why do homework if you aren't loved? Homework won't make you loved. Money won't make you loved. Love and faith and courage will invite love into your life.
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