Johnny & Amber & Choices

I feel terribly sorry for both Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. They both were in a horrible, toxic and traumatic relationship which is now on public display. I wish them both some sort of spiritual recovery where they can find peace with their past and move forward with new lives minus the drama.

But first, let's discuss drama. Clearly, they both are actors, but you would hope that the drama would have been left on the stage and that their personal lives would be normal. But no. It was a shit show. A literal shit show.

So she did something bad to him. He did something bad back to her. She did something bad back, and then he did something worse. Repeat for years.

Where did things break down?

They each forgot that they had choices.

When someone does something back to you, it is easy to get resentful, angry and want to retaliate. I don't know why humans do this, but we do. We want to strike back with some evil bullshit instead of examining all of the choices before us. This is not to say that what the first person did was good or kind, but the second person had more choices than they probably realized at the time.

Let's say Amber shat on Johnny's side of the bed. Of course, that is horrible and senseless. Let's say he assaulted her with a bottle as a result, which is also horrible and senseless. Did Johnny have more choices than to smack her around? Yes. Did he had to put up with her shit? Not at all. Let's play a brainstorm game of reasonable alternatives someone could do if they were in Johnny's shoes.

• They could go to another room.
• They could ask the other person if they are okay because most adults don't poop in bed unless they have dementia or a medical problem.
• They could pack a bag and stay with a friend or go to a hotel.
• They could walk around the block or go for a drive until things calmed down.
• They could call emergency services or a mental health hotline.
• They could seek therapy.
• They could seek a divorce.
• They could leave the scene and pray and meditate and ask for guidance.
• They could realize that their loved one has a serious problem, and yelling and screaming isn't going to fix it.

Lots of choices. Lots and lots of choices that aren't assault or involve poop. I have had numerous friends who have been in domestic violence situations, and it isn't easy to see choices when traumatized. It is easy to just want to fight back, but this never brings peace or serenity. It just brings more chaos.

It is easy to look at Johnny and Amber and think they are crazy, yet I look back at my life and see places where I felt trapped and as if I had no choices. Some of the choices might have been hard, but they were still choices.

I had a public meltdown in France a few years ago. I was on vacation with my family and they were going to climb the steps up the Eiffel Tower. Jack didn't want to wait in line for an hour for the elevator. I was recovering from knee surgery and I didn't want to climb the steps, so I waited outside at the bottom. As I was waiting, I got really pissed. I got super angry for getting left behind. I was too busy being angry that I didn't see I had other choices.

• I could have waited in line for the elevator while they climbed the Eiffel Tower.
• I could have gone to a cafe.
• I could have climbed up half of the steps, and turned around when I got tired.
• I could have taken a cab back to the hotel.

At the time, I didn't see my other choices or options. I was too busy being angry or scared or hurt to see clearly. Now, though, I have perspective. I have learned to look for options, and pick the best one.