Waiting and Moving the Needle

Today, I had my A1C tested to see if I have moved the needle on my pre-diabetes. The worst part of this experience has been the waiting. This has been a brutal three months, trying to clean up my diet and get rid of sugar and carbs, get more exercise and try fasting. 

What does it mean to lower my A1C? The A1C measures the average blood sugar over three months. What does the A1C measure? I'm not a scientist, but thanks to Google, I can find what the CDC says:

When sugar enters your bloodstream, it attaches to hemoglobin, a protein in your red blood cells. Everybody has some sugar attached to their hemoglobin, but people with higher blood sugar levels have more. The A1C test measures the percentage of your red blood cells that have sugar-coated hemoglobin.

I won't know the results for a few days, but I am refreshing my healthcare provider's test results page regularly to see if they have posted. Argh.

As mentioned above, the last three months have been horrible. (I'd like to say that after the blood test I broke free and had a donut for breakfast, pasta for lunch and a slice of cake for dessert. Alas, no.) I feel like I have been cramming for an exam without any interim homework assignments, quizzes, or papers where I am getting feedback on my progress. Which leads me to my proposal...

Instead of getting my A1C checked every three months, my doctor should check it every month. I could tell if the changes I am making in my diet are making a difference. Am I going up, or down? Think of those monthly tests as homework checks, pop quizzes or midterms, instead of having everything based on the final exam. I had check points along the way. If I got tested once a month, I'd have twelve data points instead of four. Even if got tested every six weeks, that would be okay as I'd have a midpoint check to gauge of how I am doing instead of floating in a sea of uncertainty.

If I were to bring my sugar down in the first month, I know I should stay the course. I would feel a sense of accomplishment, or realize that I need to escalate my efforts. If my blood sugar got worse, I would have to be more aggressive. Maybe I would need to exercise more. Maybe I am sneaking too many treats. Maybe I could occasionally have a bowl of pasta. Maybe I could figure out how much and how often I could eat dessert.

More regular testing would also help my sanity. I've been living with a cloud of doubt and worry over my head.

Empty Nest, Homebody Hobbies, and Lauren 2.0

This summer has been the summer of hanging out with Pedro and his girlfriend, which has been delightful. I am grateful for this time with him, especially after he was away for two years in treatment.

Now Pedro is moving on to his next chapter. He is going to pack it up and move to Montana this fall. I am happy for him and this move to independence. With Claire-Adele living in D.C., I will be have an empty nest with both of my kids living out of state.

Which means I need to find something to do. I have a job, but I need to find a social life and fun activities.

"Maybe you can join a club," said my friend Clara. "What do you like to do?"

Great advice. I thought of things things I like to do:

• Crossword puzzles
• Jigsaw puzzles
• Sewing quilts
• Embroidery
• Reading
• Learning about meditation 
• Paddle boarding
• Learning Spanish on an app on my phone
• Blogging

Great. Based on these hobbies, I am a homebody hermit.

Egads. I'd like to blame my list of loner activities on the isolation of the pandemic but can I? No. I liked a lot of these things before the lockdowns. I had a jigsaw puzzle stash that I had been accumulating for years before 2020. How did I end up with all of these activities I could do from my living room? A lot of these fit around motherhood. I could write a blog post or work on a quilt while my kids were doing homework. I could read while waiting for them to finish sports practice. These things kept me both occupied and present for my kids. A jigsaw puzzle on the coffee table would bring us together without needing to talk. My homebody hobbies were part of the nest I created for my kids.

I will never give up my homebody hobbies. They will always be a part of me. Nevertheless, I too will need to leave the nest, even if it was the nest I built. As my kids venture out, I need to as well. I feel like I am starting kindergarten, leaving the house and seeing what is in the world. What do I like? What is fun? Who will be my friends? I'll have to find out. We'll see what Lauren 2.0 brings. 

Sugar, Sugar, I am Your Bitch

Sugar, darling, I love you but you are killing me. I want to give you up but it is so hard. You keep pulling me to you, drawing me in.

I don't adore all sugary foods. I am a fan of cakes, muffins, brownies, ice cream, dark chocolate, and gummy bears. While that list covers a broad swath of sweets, I am not a candy store fan.

This morning, I had fresh blueberries and quiche and a bite of a seven layer bar. The blueberries and the quiche were really nice, but the seven layer bar was like fireworks of sweetness exploding in my mouth. The blueberries and the quiche were dull by comparison.

You might be wondering, "Why is she eating seven layer bars for breakfast when she needs watch what she eats? I thought she didn't want diabetes."

I fell off the sugar free, flour free wagon last week. I am supposed to avoid these foods because my A1C blood levels suggest I am pre-diabetic. Last Tuesday, I went into the office and some other teams had in person working sessions, and they bribed everyone with two meals a day for three days. The copious leftovers were put in the kitchen on my floor, including bite sized desserts which are the worst because look cute and tiny but they are deadly, like poisonous dart frogs.

I am more stressed than I should be about this upcoming A1C blood test at the end of August that will measure my average blood sugar levels over three months. The fear of upcoming test is like spooky background music in a horror movie, telling my the serial killer is right around the corner. In my mind -- every time I eat (or don't eat), I am thinking about my blood sugar. I think the stress got to me and I caved. It is like I am at the climax of the movie, turning on the lights in the dark and creepy house and having a conversation with the madman. 

"Okay, Okay, I know you are going to kill me, but first let's talk over these fabulous banana chocolate chips muffins first and maybe you'll change your mind about doing me in. Do you want a cappuccino with that? No sugar in mine, thanks. I promise I'll hit the elliptical for forty minutes after this snack. Surely, you can be reasonable and compromise here. Tell me -- what do I need to do to bring a some bread and pasta back into my life? How often can I eat muffins? Please? Please?"

Mediation: The Twenty-Four Hour Chill Pill

I have been meditating almost every day for the past few years. This is nothing big and fancy -- just ten minutes before I get ready for bed on an app. (There are many out there: I use Calm and Ten Percent Happier.)

There are the odd busy days when I don't meditate, when I am caught up traveling or whatnot. I used to think that mediation brought me down from my past and present state to a great state of relaxation, peacefulness and serenity.

That is true, but mediation also makes me calmer in the future. It is my twenty-four hour chill pill.

I figured this out when I am feeling anxious or edgy about something. I will look back and realize I skipped my mediation the day before. If I skip a few days, holy cow. Look out.

Mediation doesn't simply make me numb to the crap in my day-to-day. It makes me more resilient so when the unexpected pops (which it always does), I can cope.