This one was on the darker side, not uplifting. I wasn't sure what to feel afterwards. It wasn't so much sadness versus an emptiness.
At work Tuesday, I was in a meeting with the CIO of my company. She is about my age, and she asked how the holiday weekend was before the meeting officially started. I mentioned I was in Ohio for a memorial service for my friend's husband.
"Oh that is too bad," she said, like a normal person with a reasonable amount of empathy would. I failed to mention the suicide.
"Well it has been okay," I said. "I got to see some friends I haven't seen in a while, so that was nice."
Right, that was true. I got to see some friends and it was nice. I connected with one friend who I hadn't seen since I graduated from high school.
Here is the deal: I lied. I wasn't honest. I know I don't need to tell everyone everything all the time. I get that. I said some BS and tried to make this positive. I said I did get to see friends--which was nice, but I didn't say the whole purpose of the trip has me deeply saddened. There is something nice about being supporting a friend in a time of need, for sure, but overall this was very sad. There are no two ways about this.
I was afraid that if I was honest I'd look like Eeyore. Sad, mopey, Eeyore. One of my biggest fears is that I will look like Eeyore.
Is it a bad thing to be Eeyore? I'll need to read Winnie the Pooh again to see what the real story of Eeyore is, but I remember reading somewhere that even though Eeyore is depressed, his friends still love him and don't try to change him. They accept Eeyore for who he is.
If I could wave a wand and go back, what would I have said differently? What would have been honest and short and sweet and not full of bullshit?
"It was hard, really hard. I was glad to be there to support my friend, but the situation was tragic and traumatic. Suicide rips the souls of the survivors."
I wish I would have chosen Eeyore instead of "other."
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