Platonic, and Sweet & Salty

Jack and I are getting a divorce. We are in the final stages of signing the paperwork. I won't get into all of the gory details, in part because I don't fully understand the narrative of why I am getting divorced. This is hard for me to wrap my head around, which is driving me crazy. I am a writer. I need stories to explain what happened, but in this case, I am not sure what the story is. I am learning to accept that I will very likely never fully understand what happened.

Sorry I haven't told you all until now. I don't want to write about what happened, but I do want to explore what comes next. (The short version: I have no idea, and I am mildly terrified.)

I have friends who want me to start dating, getting on apps and whatnot. Which is interesting. I am not sure of their motivation for wanting me to partner up, but whatever. Instead of diving into dating apps, I ordered Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make--and Keep--Friends by Marisa G. Franco, PhD. I want to shore up my base of women friends for support before I dive into the dating pool. If I don't, I could end up in a bad relationship just because I am lonely, which would not be good.

The book was in my mailbox when I got back from my trip and I've just started reading it. It is both perplexing and fascinating so far. The author begs the question as to why we place such a high value on romantic relationships, and a lesser value on friendships. This is an interesting point. Yet, she says "the same factors make all relationships succeed--familial, romantic and platonic" and "friendship is what gives romantic loves its strength and endurance." I agree. Even though I am getting divorced, one of the  great successes of my marriage is that we were friends for a large part of it.

I have a living example of a healthy bond under my own roof. This summer, Pedro's girlfriend lived with me. She is a lovely young woman. I swear to god Pedro and his girlfriend have the healthiest relationship I've seen in ages. Like seriously, they are far more advanced than lots of my adult friends. I am a middle-aged woman getting a primer on what a normal relationship looks like from teenagers. 

Nevertheless, I can learn, regardless of the source. I know they don't have the stress of paying a mortgage, kids and a dog, but still I admire how they treat each other. They are very affectionate, and yet they still give each other shit. She can talk to him directly, and he doesn't get reactive or defensive, nor turn into a whimpering, moody, doormat. It is a god damn miracle. They both have down and out crappy days, and the other one takes it in stride.

Over a game of Phase 10 tonight, we were discussing what is a healthy personality mix for a relationship, knowing all relationships will have a different flavor profile. They are about 70% sweet, 30% salty. Too much salt would be bad (obviously), but so is too much sugar.

"If you are only sweet, you can come across as clingy or needy," Pedro said. I had never thought of it that way before, but he has a point. I had never differentiated between salty and mean. By salty I am not talking about being hurtful or sarcastic. To me, salty is direct, teasing and poking fun. It is a healthy and loving way to express frustration and annoyance.