Ex-orcism

I think I need an exorcism from my ex--an ex-orcism.

(My god, I can't believe I am the first person to think of that pun. If I am, I should get it trademarked.)

I want him removed from my mind, my heart and my soul, ala Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but like it sticks. As the NYT said about the film:

They say the only cure for heartbreak is time, although a lobotomy might be more effective. 

I don't want a lobotomy, but I want to be cured of him, to have him removed, erased. I want to MOVE ON. A friend said I don't really want to be with Jack anymore, but I miss being married, I miss having a companion. That might be true, until it isn't.

I was with Jack for so long, we have a shared history. I want to tell him my most favorite dancer at the PNB is retiring. Jack and I watched James Moore for years grace the stage at McCaw Hall. (Some people know the starting line-up of the Mariners or the Seahawks. I know the dancers at the PNB.) James was my favorite Romeo. Jack would understand what James means to me, how I think I saw James riding his bike downtown during the pandemic because I recognized his legs. Mere mortals don't have legs like his.

Jack and I met in college, and the Wildcats made it to the NCAA tournament. If I had to bet dollars to donuts, I'd bet he's going to the game of our alma mater with his girlfriend, the one who ambushed me in my former home when Jack told me to stop by and get my mail. I didn't know he had a girlfriend, let alone that he had one for 502 days and introduced to my children five minutes after he met her and before we were divorced. His checklist was 1. Hire a lawyer  2. Get a girlfriend 

See? I want this self-centered, spineless coward* and his girlfriend out of my mind! Am I bitter? Yes, and I wish to god I wasn't. He isn't worth the space and my sanity. He is out there living his globe-trotting, marathon running "best life," and I am sitting here pissed off.

Ergo, I want an ex-orcism.

I want a priest or some such holy spiritual person to eradicate this ex from me. I want to be free. I want to be free. I wish there was some magical way I could let go and be free.

To be fair, I have never in my life really have experienced such heartbreak before, so I don't know why I am being so hard on myself for feeling all the feelings, including the ugly and angry ones.

This is hard.

This is probably harder to me than him, because he escaped the pain by immediately jumping into a new relationship. I decided to take care of myself, discover who I am again, discover what I want, what I like. I am trying to be whole.

I should go back to the quote from the NYT: They say the only cure for heartbreak is time...

* There is a bunch of other shit my ex has recently done that I won't publish. That is the other thing about an ex: they are still alive and floating in the world. I have friends whose spouses have died, which of course is tragic. Unlike an ex, their spouses stop being jerks once they are dead. They can only be jerks in the past, not the present.