I was driving past the University of Washington the other day coming back from my haircut and I saw a fraternity party picnic. Coming back from haircut is always a good thing -- I love my hairdresser and I look and feel fabulous. It was early evening, and the fraternity party seemed reasonably civilized. It wasn't a drunken melee (yet.) A woman at the party wearing a sundress with long straight hair was holding a red solo cup.
This young woman stuck in my mind. Would I want to be her? Would I want to go back to college and start over, clean slate and all?
No.
When I was in college, I imagined my future life: beautiful, sweet and settled. I'd meet other graduates from my school, a few years out, and see their steady and stable lives. I looked forward to that day. My roommate Maggie had really cool parents who had met at NU. I admired them and I imagined my life would be like theirs. While I didn't want to fast-forward to being fifty, I imagined that my future would be content and easy and comfortable. I imagined having children who were kind and smart and loved their lives. I imagined that I'd have a caring and attentive husband. I looked forward to my future, and not look back at my past with regret, but with fondness, with kindness and admiration towards my younger self.
Even with the divorce, I am glad I am where I am. I don't want to be the beautiful young student with her life ahead of her. Most of the uncertainty about my life is gone, and that is brings me peace. I have those beautiful, intelligent, curious and kind children, except they are cooler and more fun and thoughtful than I had imagined. I am so grateful to have them in my life. When they were little, I wondered what they would be like, and now I know. There is more to unfold, but I am glad the mystery is mostly revealed. I know the plot and I know the characters. I am ready for the next installment.
Driving past the party, I wondered if that girl wanted to be me, sitting in my car, returning from the hairdresser. Does she want to know her future, to see how it all turns out? Does she know she will be stronger and more curious and more resilient than she could ever imagine? That life will throw her awful and unexpected curveballs, but she will carry those challenges with grace?
The interesting thing about Maggie's parents one of their children died, yet they showed up in full force for Maggie. They were happy, generous, and lived in the present.
I am like Maggie's mom, more than I imagined. Maybe that is why I liked her, unknowingly. She was a role model for me, that life and love go on, even when life starts out with great promise and then has heart-breaking and tragic parts.
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