Tough Love Isn't Love

I heard about Rob Reiner's death where he and his wife were stabbed by his son, which is a horrific tragedy for everyone involved. I feel a special heartbreak for the surviving children who must mourn the loss of their parents and the reconcile the actions of their brother. I can only imagine.

Reiner's son had major mental health issues, and had them since he was a teen. Reiner had said in an interview that he regretted the tough love approach he took with his son, as that was what was advised to him at the time.

Having been deeply involved in mental health issues with my own family members--and my subsequent distress--I've learned that tough love isn't love. It is control.

Tough love is what people do when someone they purport to love isn't doing what they want them to do, so they "lay down the law" and a bunch of "or else's" to get what they want. That is control, and most people don't like to be controlled. The disappointed party manipulates, threatens, cries, screams, and whatnot so they can get the disappointee to break down and as the disappointed person wishes.

I get this is appealing when your kid has gone off the rails, and is completely unhinged, when you feel like there is nothing else you can do to keep the person you love from sliding down into substances, depression, anxiety, anger and depression. 

Instead of trying to control the person, we need to let go and detach with love and set boundaries that are clearly communicated. We can have consequences when our boundaries are violated. No one has to (or should) accept unacceptable behavior, but yelling and screaming and threatening has never cured someone someone with a major mental illness. At least not that I am aware of.

One of the most important thing I have learned is that my own need to control others very often gets me the opposite of what I want. No one wants to be controlled, but everyone wants to be seen and heard.