Man Up

I was at coffee the other day with some friends.  One friend said her son heard something from his father that changed his life.

"Man up."

My friend was livid.  Perhaps more than livid, if such a thing is possible.  (Actually, it is possible to be more than livid.  I was living it for a month at the at end of May, most of June.)  She was purple with rage.

Let's discuss.  Her perspective was that her husband was telling the boy not to show his emotions, to stuff them down into a sack where he would ignore them until they festered.  (When I don't know the precise definition of a word, I look it up in the dictionary.  I looked up festered.  Oy.  I will spare you.)  I have had some first hand experience in recent months when a man ignores those little voices in his head saying, "This isn't right" or the pinch in the gut that says, "I am not happy with the status quo."  My friend wanted her son to grow up with a healthy relationship with his emotions, which is a completely reasonable hope and expectation for a mom.

And yet...

I like the expression "Man up" in some cases.  In some situations, kids will be uncomfortable.  They need a role model to say, "Move it along here.  We don't have time to cry.  The lion is about to eat your sister.  Get in there and bonk the lion on the head while I carry your pregnant mom and baby brother out of here."  Kids need to learn to act under pressure; hence, the youth sports industry.

And we still need the touchy-feely role model to come back and reduce the PTSD of the situation and say, "Wow, you were really brave to save us from that lion.  That must have been scary," and so on.  I don't think this would be the time to say "Man up" as the kid is recounting and recovering from some traumatic experience.

We don't live in a society where lions chase us down.  What really is trauma versus was are little things where we just need to go with the flow?  What are those emergencies where it is necessary to stay cool under pressure?  I remember the time I helped a new mom and her new baby in a car fire.  I was so calm I surprised myself.

What about when it isn't a car fire?  I remember seeing an interview with Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.  The interviewer had asked him about the phrase "Kennedy's don't cry."  Robert replied, and said "It really means Kennedy's don't whine."  Yes, we sometimes lump a true expression of emotion with garden variety whining because the world isn't falling at your feet.  When it is just the morning and a nameless eleven year old didn't get enough sleep and is stomping around, biting off his mother's and father's heads when asked "What would you like for lunch?"  I wanted to tell him "Quit being a grouch and man up.  Morning doesn't mean you get to be a dick.  Deal with it."

But I didn't.  I kept my cool, and asked him again in a nice voice.   When he didn't respond, I asked his father to ask him again.   And the Boy apologized for being a jerk.   Perhaps his jerk like behavior came from deep fear of the first week of school.  I'd rather talk directly about than deal with rudeness.

Maybe the expression itself isn't so bad, but rather what is means.  Perhaps "manning up" really means taking accountability for your actions and feelings--good, bad and otherwise.

Maybe we should call it "Woman up."