Truth Serum

I had a meltdown last week that last four days.  It started Wednesday morning and finished up Saturday night.  I was in crisis about my marriage, and it wasn't pretty.  It started with our marriage therapy session Wednesday morning.  I came in charging like a bull, without any idea of what I was doing.  I was having a hard time coping with uncertainty in my marriage and wanted to know how I could deal with things beyond my control.  It was pure emotion.  The therapist kept telling me to see if Jack's behavior was changing, was he trying to get his workaholism under control.  Yes, he is, but I was struggling with how to translate an intellectual solution to my broken heart.  My rational mind was either on vacation, or bullied into the corner.  One or the other.

After the therapy session, Jack had to go back to work and I went to Starbucks.  I was sobbing as I ordered my decaf mocha.  I was waiting at the end of the counter while the barista made my coffee.  She looked at me several times, so I decided to put on my sunglasses.  She handed me my mocha:  "I hope your day gets better, Lauren."

"Thanks," I whimpered as I slunk upstairs to drink my coffee and stare out the window.  Yes, this was a private, personal, pity party.  As I left Starbucks, the same woman who made my coffee came back up stairs, handed me a coupon for a free coffee, and gave me a hug.  I gripped her for about ten seconds.  I felt so much better.

I was hoping this wasn't a massive case of PMS, but two days later I got my period.  It was a full, Harvest, Super Moon, too, so anything and everything astrological was not in my favor.   Not that I believe any of that, but I like blaming irrationality on something beyond my control.

Saturday was the low point.  Jack was wondering about my lack of progress in healing after our marriage catastrophe in May.  He asked if I was considering divorce, but just lacked the will to do it.

In a moment of bizarre clarity, I said yes, I wanted a divorce.  I wasn't screaming or raging.  I was calm, which freaked Jack out.  A week later, I don't know if I want a divorce or not.  I wrote two other friends that I was struggling to find the lost love in my marriage, wondering how he could have hurt me so badly.  Do I still love Jack?  I don't hate him or think he is awful.  Rather, I feel blank or empty.

My friend Mary from Philadelphia called to chat.  I told her what had happened, and asked her advice.  Was I suffering  from a deranged case of PMS, or what?  I didn't feel irrational at the time, but the things I said were not in character.

"PMS is a truth serum," Mary said.  "It is a time when you can't tolerate bullshit.  Your barriers are down and what you are feeling comes out."

This is not to suggest that Mary thinks PMS is an oracle that must be heeded, or that I should pack it up and leave based on a few bad days.  I began to ponder my own behavior.  I don't want to imply that women are hysterical or should be discounted during that time of the month, but I wonder:  Why did I act so irrationally?

Maybe the problem is that irrationality isn't a problem.  Irrationality implies crazy.  I looked it up in the dictionary.  My New Oxford American Dictionary says this:

irrational |iˈraSHənl|adjective1 not logical or reasonable.• not endowed with the power of reason.
Not logical or reasonable.  What is the opposite of reason, the mind?  What is the yin to this yang?  Emotion and the heart.  My heart and emotion decided to start driving the car.  Yes, PMS might be truth serum, but this is for the truths in the heart, not the mind.

Is there a problem with this?  Perhaps, perhaps not.  My heart and brain have to work together to figure this out; neither can rule alone.  My rational brain tells me Stay married, try to work it out.  See the good in him.  See that he is truly sorry, and wants to make amends.  He is suffering, too.  Every now and then, the heart needs to stand up for itself, even if the truth it speaks hurts.  It reminds me that the events surrounding and prior to May 27 were intolerable, and the status quo cannot stand.

Which brings me back to the question of should I stay or go?  Jack's friend Chris said it's time to leave when you know he won't change.  My heart and my head will have to agree for this to work.  It is so hard when they don't.