Good Enough

I went to my hairdresser today.  He is a good marker in my relationship with Jack, as Jamie sees me once every few weeks.  I was a wreck of epic proportions when I saw him in early June.  Later in the summer, I was still a mess.  Today he said I seemed almost positive and hopeful, which is ironic since last week I was ready to bail on my marriage.  I was ready to say it was over.

Which leads me to the question: what is good enough?  Jamie pointed out -- and rightfully so -- that is seems that Jack in changing for the better, that he is trying.

But when is it good enough?  He can make small improvements, but how much improvement do I need?  Do I need big, radical changes, or small incremental ones?  I can see that small, incremental changes might be more sustainable, more realistic to maintain than some giant personality overhaul that doesn't stick.

A friend suggested that perhaps I stay in the marriage but find outside companionship.  I would keep the family together, and I would potentially get my emotional needs met.  Win-win, so to speak.  Other societies, like the old British aristocracy, have arrangements like this where marriages are designed to join to households instead of building a romantic and familial partnership. I've read about the times in which Winston Churchill's mother lived.  Companionship outside of the marriage was almost a given.

For me, I don't think this would work.  I don't think I am so self-righteous or moral that I couldn't have an affair.  I have seen the ugly underbelly of affairs, the messy cleanup.  I have a few friends who've had an affair.  For a majority of them, the affairs ended badly.  There was no "happily ever after."  Either their marriages ended up in need of significant repair, or the emotional burden of living a lie was too much.  Regret and remorse were deep.

Part of the idea for me to have an affair--whether an emotional affair or something more--is that it would then be okay for Jack to have an affair.  That is not something I could easily accept.  I've read stories by two women who've had open relationships.  It sounded fine to them until they were left home alone many night knowing their partner was out philandering.  Their misery was profound.  I came into marriage with the expectation that Jack would be my companion, that we wouldn't need to look elsewhere.

I can't live in a relationship where my emotional needs aren't met, nor can find a way to get those primary emotional needs met outside of my marriage.  And I am not talking about the basic needs I have that would be met by friends, family or my kids.  I am talking about the needs that for most people are met by their partner.

Here I am, pounding on my thesis: when will this be good enough?  Based on my own argument, good enough is when my emotional needs are met.  And what does it mean if at the end of the day I still feel lonely in my own marriage?  Then what?

This would be easier if I flat out hated him.  If I hated the way he chews his food, brushes his teeth, or talks to the neighbors.  It would be easier if I disagreed with his political views, how he spends money or if he were a racist.  It would be easier if he were abusive or hostile.  I would leave, no looking back.

But he is not.  Minus the workaholism and its is effects--which by no means are small, he is generally a good guy.

And therein lies my problem.