Grace

"Your range of motion is looking better today," said Evan when he saw me this morning. This was positive encouragement, by far. I came in wearing the brace but no crutches. I almost looked like a normal person. Almost. I was at a party last Friday and two people called me "crip" and "gimp." I gently corrected them and said "I am temporarily disabled."

Part of my goal of getting back to normal is getting back to normal for me. When I was in Ohio, my father pointed out that I was walking with a limp.  I was so happy just be walking that I didn't notice that I was dragging along. I slumped when he said this. This from the man who paid for years and years of dance lessons, drove me to dance every weekend for most of my childhood.

I want to be graceful. I don't want to walk with a limp.

Jack and I went for a walk this weekend. I walked without the brace and using the crutches for about a mile. I can walk without either, but I don't like the way I carry myself.  I feel like my right leg is doing more work to make up for my left.  Evan said I need to rebuild strength in my quads.  It isn't enough to be able to walk for a mile.  I could be using my hamstrings and glutes to compensation for my lack of quad strength.

All of those details are boring, but this is what is interesting: "You need to learn to do things that used to come to you naturally," Evan said. This is the hard part of my current life--learning to use my body again. It is not like I learning some thing new and fun, like when Clare Adele and I took tap dancing lessons two years ago.  This is learning to how reuse muscles to do everyday things, like walk, stand on one leg to put on my pants, and bend down to pick something up. This is not about learning new dance steps or a new ski turn.

In addition to learning to walking, stand and bend, I want to do this while looking reasonably good.  I want good posture again, and to float instead of hobble.