Adventures on the Couch

My thirteen year old son, the Boy, has recently been complaining he has no friends. He ran into a friend walking home from school and said he was going to call this guy when he got back from running an errand. When he came back from his post-school, pre-break orthodontist appointment, he glumly sat on the coach in my bedroom and started watching Dr. Who. This is not a auspicious start to Winter Break.

"Want to call Dan?" I asked, hoping the Boy wouldn't become a permanent fixture on my couch for the next two weeks.

"No," he said, earbuds plugged in.

"Want to call another friend?" I asked.

"I have no friends," he said. Grrrreat. Please god tell me something better will happen to make these next two weeks not complete miserable. Please find my son something better to do than sit on my couch in my bedroom. Please.

About twenty minutes later, his phone--which was plugged into the charger in my office--started to buzz. I assumed it was a text message, hopefully from a friend asking him to get together. Please be someone asking him to get together...

"Your phone is buzzing," I called and the Boy got off the couch and got his phone.

He promptly sat back on the couch and began a texting conversation that has lasted more than 48 hours. Apparently, he had to clear his social calendar so he would be available to text this new person, who does not have a name. His phone is now always in his pocket, and when I peek over at his phone, it is on the texting screen. I don't know how the phone stays charged.

Claire Adele told him is butt was going to get out of shape if he continued to sit like that, which is interesting because she sat on our living room couch for her entire 8th grade year and her butt, as she describes it, is a perfect bubble butt. I guess bubble butts are now desirable. I wish J Lo and company would have made a round tush popular when I was in high school.

Yesterday, we put up our Christmas tree. I told the Boy to put down the phone so he could participate in a family activity. I recommended he tell his Friend that he was going to be offline for an hour or so. He got out his phone, and texted the Friend.

The Boy helped my untangle the Christmas lights and put them up on the front railing of the house. As he was helping me,  I asked "What do you text about? All you do is sit on the couch. Do you text about your adventures of sitting on the couch?"

This is what I imagined his conversation to look like:

The Friend: What are you doing?
The Boy: Sitting on the couch.
The Boy: What are you doing?
The Friend: Sitting on the couch.
The Boy: Cool.
The Friend: Yeah. Cool.
The Boy: Here is a new emoji.
The Friend: Great! I love emojis!
The Boy: Still sitting on the couch.
The Friend: Me too!
The Boy: My couch is beige with a large indent from where my butt is.
The Friend: My couch is tan.

I told the Boy what I imagined his text conversation looked like, and he actually laughed. A real giggle. He knew it was all absurd, but still he laughed.

I can see how kids get into sexting. They exhaust all other topics in the universe suitable for texting, and then the only thing left is sending each other photos of body parts.

Last night, the Boy asked me if he could get a new chair for his room. Someplace comfortable where he could sit, presumably for hours where he can text his new Friend.