This class nearly saved my life. It gave me a new lens through which to understand the past twenty-five years, and it made me think of my life in less depressing terms than I had been seeing it.
In the beginning of the class, the teacher talked about the three phases of womanhood:
- The Virgin
- The Mother
- The Crone
I found this to be mildly depressing at first. A few weeks into the class, the teacher expanded the three phases:
- The Maiden
- The Nurturer
- The Queen
My eureka moment came when I heard the word "queen." This is what I have been waiting for, my Queen phase. I am done with nurturing and ready to move on.
In mythology and in the feminine archetypes, the Maiden phase is when the woman in free and independent. She can make her own decisions about her life. I like "maiden" better than "virgin." When I think of "virgin," I think of girls who didn't leave their parents home until they were married. When I think of "maiden," I think of Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City. She wasn't married and didn't have kids, but she wasn't living with her parents and certainly wasn't a virgin.
Ironically, the Nurturer/Motherhood phase is when women are most vulnerable. Women are no longer independent as others rely on them. The singer Adele was interviewed in Vanity Fair, and she talked about her three-year-old son. She said something to the effect of she wished she had four hours where she could just do whatever she wants. I could relate back to when I had toddlers and was tied to that responsibility. Even when I worked, my weekends were my own usually. Even if I volunteered, it was something I chose to do--it wasn't chosen for me.
With kids, you don't decide when they are going to have a meltdown or need a diaper change or when they will be pure delight. They are independent beings with their own moods and will. In general, this sense of obligation is much stronger for women than men. I have never every heard a father say he wished he had four hours to himself. There might be some dads out there who have said that, but I haven't met them.
The Queen phase doesn't mean "queen" in the regal, bossy sense. Instead, this is where women regain their time, power, and independence. They have earned experience and wisdom.
As I start to look for a job, I don't think of my time as a parent as time out of the workforce. I think it of it as my time spent as a nurturer. Sometimes I'd get frustrated with myself for not looking for a job sooner, or when I'd get a set-back. Last year, I tore my ACL. I was nurturing myself and re-learning how to walk. My son fell ill a month ago, and part of my "job" was to nurture him back to health. I spent a lot of time taking him to doctor's appointments and making phone calls to understand what was happening. When I looked his illness through this lens, I felt less frustrated. I now see myself in a stage of life that will eventually fade as my kids gain independence, and a new phase will begin.
My daughter talks at times about not wanting kids. "They will ruin my career," she says. Looking back, I can see that. At other times, she talks about her future grandchildren. She wants to skip from maiden to queen and still have kids. I can't blame her. Isn't this what happens to men?
Since I've learned about these archetypes, I have developed patience. To paraphrase Snow White, someday my queen phase will come. And I'll be ready.
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