Creating Space v Being Alone

It has been almost three months since I moved out of the house and into the condo, and two months since the Boy started Wilderness.

Many of my friends and my therapist therapist think I need to spend time alone instead of spending 90% of my free time spinning about Jack and the Boy.

Alone.

Hmmm. I looked at my friend group and thought they are a bunch of introverts, so being alone is fine for them. But me, I'm kind of on the bubble between introvert and extrovert. I like being around people, and my job is kind of introverty, so when I go home I want to be around people. Jack's job is the opposite--he is around people all day, and needs to recharge alone when he gets home.

"You need solitude," my therapist said.

"Solitude sucks," I said. "It isn't that I don't like myself. I like the company of other people. Humans were not meant to be alone." (I generally like my therapist, so don't think I'm ragging on him.) I remember when I was in college my senior year. I was in a sorority and I had a single room for a quarter. It was a little bit larger than the walk-in closet in my condo. Maybe it was about the size of the master bathroom in my condo. And my condo was build in the late 1980's so it has conservative sized bathrooms. Anyway, that room was bliss. I loved having my own room in the house because it was in a sorority house so I could walk out at any time and talk to one of the other forty women who lived there. Compare that to the Foster-Walker dorm which was all single rooms (plus a few quads). That dorm had the highest suicide rate of any dorm in the country at one point. They probably should have torn it down.

My therapist (who again, I generally like) suggested I look at my childhood to see why I don't like living alone.

IT IS NOT MY CHILDHOOD! IT IS MOTHERHOOD!

Three months ago, I had been a mom for nineteen years non-stop, and then the daily activity around that ground to a halt somewhat unexpectedly. It was like when I lost the campaign for school board. I had my foot to the floor on the gas pedal, and then it all stopped suddenly. It is hard to shift gears that fast, but at least with an election you know the outcome will be known soon enough.

Also, my job is well suited to my life as a mom. I could work alone a decent amount of time, and then I'd go home to the busyness of my other job, mom. Now I come home from work and all I have to do is feed myself, walk the dog and make sure my clothes are clean. That is it.

My therapist tried again, poor guy. I must be a terrible patient.

"You need to create space for yourself, where you can lead the life you want that isn't about Jack or the Boy or work," he said. "You need to get out of the drama of everyone else's life and lead your own."

And then the light went on.

Create space for myself. What does that mean?

It means I am in charge of my own time and I can do whatever I want.

If I want to watch that Nanette Netflix special or her new one, I can.
If I want to write at 10:30 at night, I can.
If I want to listen to music, I can.
If I want to hang out with friends or go for a bike ride or poke around the library, I can.

The idea of creating my own space was much more powerful than the idea of being alone. Being alone implies there is a void that needs to be filled. Creating my own space means I am making room for myself in my own life. It doesn't mean I plan to live on my own forever, but to take this time to restore, recover and heal. And then hopefully, the rest will fall into place in time.