Walking through the airport was a bitch. While I was excited to see Claire-Adele, I was devastated that I was taking this trip because I was alone. In the line for security, I started to tear up when I saw a young woman wearing a shirt that said "Have the Courage to Live." (I accidentally typed "Courage to Love." I suppose they are the same thing.) I saw new parents cuddling babies. I saw moms traveling alone with kids. At the Starbucks, I saw a sixteen year old boy traveling alone, ordering coffee before his flight. By the time I got to the gate, I was full on sobbing. When I got on the plane, I sat next to a woman in her mid-twenties who it turns out is a new kindergarten teacher.
"Are you okay? I saw you crying at the gate," she said. It was very kind of her to ask. I am not sure I would have done the same her her situation. I realized I am mourning the loss of my old jobs--mom and wife.
The thing that struck me as odd was that I felt better after crying. I am not saying I love feeling pain, but I felt better letting it all out.
"Are you at peace with where you are at and what you want to do next?" she asked me.
"I haven't really thought about it," I said. Am I at peace? Clearly not otherwise I wouldn't be sobbing at the airport. But could this be a worthy goal? Yes.
"Have you tried praying about it?" she asked.
I was a little worried about getting into a conversation on prayer at the beginning of a six hour flight with someone I didn't know. Later, I thought about it: No, I don't pray to god about this situation. Instead, I talk to my friends. Same thing as praying? If not, it is pretty close.
I think Alcoholics Anonymous has an expression "Let go and let god." I am not a big fan of blind faith, yet I think this phrase means that we have to accept a certain amount of uncertainty in our lives, which is really, really hard for me. Perhaps I just need to be at peace with uncertainty.
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