I think one of the things that makes pushing work is when it is a two way street: when someone pushes their friend, co-worker, significant other, it helps that they accept being pushed back. Likewise, after someone has been pushed themselves, they feel safe to push back to the original pusher.
I am still not a big fan of the word "push." It is such an ugly word. I think of pushing someone of a train platform, Sisyphus pushing his rock up hill. Let's replace push with influence.
But perhaps this mutual pushing is what makes it hard to push our children. The pushing or influencing kids is a one way street. How often do we as parents accept influence from our children? How often do our parents accept our influence? I think of my teenage son. That pushing was pretty much in one direction. He pushed me to ski more difficult terrain, but that is different than me pushing him to get out of bed in the morning to go to school.
Which bring me to another point. My new manager (I need to think up a fake name for him) was teasing me the other day about something, but instead of finding it cute and funny, I was annoyed. The joke hit a raw nerve, and I told him so. (It wasn't anything major or offensive, just bugged me because of the spot I am in.)
"I was just trying to make you feel better. You have so many friends that can listen to your negative thoughts. I want to try to cheer you up."
Oh.
I took that totally the wrong way. I thought about it, as I think about everything. After work, I had a phone call with the psychologist who did the Boy's evaluation and then out for dinner with a friend who is a mom from the Boy's old soccer team. We went to the Old Stove Brewery, which has an amazing view of the Puget Sound. After dinner, we walked Fox along my usual loop through Victor Steinbruck Park, then down Lenora and along Alaskan Way. I thanked her for listening to me to be Debbie Downer.
"You aren't complaining, and your life doesn't suck. You are just having a hard time," she said. She was right. I have my health. I have a good job that I like and I like my co-workers. My daughter is doing well. Yes, the Boy and Jack are challenging to me right now. But overall, my life doesn't suck.
One of the things the Boy is learning at Wilderness is to accept negative feelings, to not stuff them down and bury them, but sit with them and let them be. I am learning the same thing, but can I also learn to be cheerful and upbeat at the same time? Can I learn to hold both the positive and the negative, the good and the bad, in my mind at the same time?
Right now, I feel like I am on a roller coaster with lots of ups and lots of downs, with not much in between. This weekend, I went to a party at my friend's beach house which was awesome. Monday, I read a 44 page psych report on my kid, which was not awesome. I am not sure I could have handled the report as well as I did if I hadn't been to the party or if I didn't talk to Ellen in the middle of reading it.
I need to feel these things, the awful, so I can make a change for my life for the better. Before I moved out and before the Boy went to Wilderness, I was stressed and anxious and worried. When I moved out and when the Boy started Wilderness, my first reaction was relief: pure, sweet, simple relief. When the relief wore off, something else filled in: worry, dread, loneliness. If I ignore these negative feelings, they will sit and stew and never quite go away. Likewise, I need the joy, the cheerful, the hope, to keep going.
Here is a funny thing that made me laugh today. I read my horoscope in The Stranger. They are both such different takes for two weeks apart. I don't belive my fate is determined by the stars, but it is still fun to read. And the Boy is a Taurus, too.
Oh yeah. And one of my cars hit a 100K miles this week. I thought this was cool.
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