Apology v Repair, and Durango Part IV

Jack and I are back in Durango for the fourth time. Last night, we went to the parents meeting to learn about post-Wilderness life: what to expect when you are bringing your kid home or sending them off to boarding school. The Family Services teacher/expert/Jedi Knight reviewed how to communicate with our kids using "I feel" statements. These are more advanced than the ones I learned in middle school and high school.

"I feel [emotion] when [insert specific event or situation]."

"I imagine I feel this way because [____________]."

"My intention for myself is [____________]."

"My request of you is [____________]."

The person listening repeats back verbatim what the person speaking said. When a kid says "I feel lonely" the parent should reply "I hear you are feeling lonely," not "I hear you are upset."

I wish that growing up I learned a more expansive lexicography of emotions besides happy, sad and mad. I wish I had taught my kids more than happy, mad and sad, but here we are. It is never to late to learn.

I was talking to my friend Ellen. She and I are both going through a rough time in our marriages, in part for similar reasons. It is interesting to see what she is going through as it gives me an outsider's view of the same stuff I am going through.

When people feel unheard, they escalate. They might raise their voice, get tense, yell scream, etc. I am not talking about people from expressive or expansive cultures (thinking here of my Italian side of the family) who become animated during emotional conversations, but they are speaking from a place in the heart. Other cultures (thinking here of my northern European and Anglo side of my family) are much more reserved, quiet and precise. Instead, I am talking about "I have told you that pisses me off five hundred times and you are still doing it!"

My friend got in a big fight with her husband this weekend. I won't get into the content, but she was very upset. What struck me when I talked to her was how bad she felt about her own behavior in the argument. "I was such a bitch," she said. "I can't believe the things I said."

I pondered on this, as this week I had similar experiences with Jack. I was flying off the handle for things that on the surface should not have been a big deal. Why?

I asked Ellen what happened. She set a boundary with her husband, and he didn't like it. Instead of respecting the boundary, he fought to get it moved. Because the boundary was pushed by her husband, Ellen didn't feel listened to or heard. She wanted to keep her boundary. She fought back to keep it, and then things got out of control. Mean and horrible things were said by both parties.

When I saw Ellen, she was crying. She felt miserable for two things: one, her boundaries were not respected and two, she was mortified by her own behavior. "Why do I act like this? Why was I so horrible?"

There is another layer of this: these arguments were the same arguments Ellen and I have been having with our husbands for years, and they don't seem to stop. When a situation is unresolved, it doesn't go away. It comes back to roost.

Ellen was talking to her neighbor who told her "Love waits." If there is really love in a situation, it will be there later. I also thought of the expression that I am more familiar with "Grief waits." If something tragic happens, unprocessed emotions will come back until they are processed. I became acutely aware of this after Ada died. Losing a child is possibily one of the worst things that can happen to a person. Having kids won't make people happy, but they can make people feel more fully human. I remember when Claire-Adele was born how I was both having a new baby and at the same time processing the grief I had for Ada. Claire-Adele's milestones were the ones I missed with Ada. I remember taking Claire-Adele to a restaurant for the first time when she was a few days old. People came over and told us that we had a beautiful baby. What should have been simply a proud parent moment had a veneer of grief: this is what we missed after Ada died.

I would add to the "love waits" and "grief waits" and third category "emotional wounds wait." Esther Perel had a YouTube video on why couples fight. She gave a few reasons, but the idea that stuck with me was that relationships are a cycle of peace, conflict and repair.

But sometimes conflicts aren't repaired, and repairing a conflict is different than apologizing. I think about all of the times when Jack has said "I already apologized for that" when I tell him I am still upset about something. He is right--he did apologize, but now I realize it wasn't just an apology I needed. I needed repair. Apologies are the first steps to repair. Sometimes an apology is sufficient, depending on the level of insult or injury. Sometimes an apology is sufficient if it comes unprompted. Other times, more work needs to be done or changes need to be made to repair the situation.