Cramming or Comedy

One week from today, Pedro graduates from high school and from his therapy program at the same time. He will have spent two years to the day in a structured program. I am vacillating between grief and gratitude, fear and joy. I am delighted to have him home this summer, but I am also scared. Will I be able to hold my boundaries? What will I do and how will I react when he regresses or relapses? Am I helping or hurting the situation?

I am worried. I am anxious. I am afraid.

I have missed him for two years, and I am afraid of my feelings when he comes back home, that the grief and sorrow and sadness that I have been holding in will all fall out.

Why would that be a bad thing?

I read somewhere recently (probably on my diet app) that the secret to happiness is feeling all of the feelings, not to think of them as good or bad, but just as they are. Emotions are indicators, signals from our heart to our head.

If I don't feel my feelings, they will come out sideways, which is never good.

So, I am sitting here crying, thinking about the two years that I missed with my son. And I was crying, I visioned him in a few years, with his own family, hoping for his future. The two years I lost were likely traded up for years in the future that I otherwise might not have.

I have no idea if that vision or dream will come to fruition. It is one of many possibilities, but it is likely now, more so than it was two years ago. I loved him so I had to let him go.

Okay, I am done crying for now.

In other news, I was walking Fox this morning and I got smacked in the back of the head by a crow. Kind of weird. Maybe the crows were happy during the pandemic that some sort of quiet Armageddon took place and now they ruled the land. Perhaps now they are annoyed at the humans for coming back. Or the bird didn't like Fox. 

Anyway. 

I am feeling better. Thanks for listening.