Dear Melinda,
I am so sorry to hear about your divorce. Or, should I say "Congratulations!" Since I don't know you personally, I am not sure how you feel about it. Maybe I should say both? Nevertheless, I am sure there was much pain and heartache that came with this decision, even if you are doing this ultimately for your own personal fulfillment.
I imagined you talked to Mackenzie Scott about her divorce, and how that went down. I feel like her divorce just happened yesterday, and now she is married to a Lakeside teacher! Good for her!
For some reason, the story of your divorce is compelling to me, and I am not sure why. I was rooting for Mackenzie's recovery after seeing Jeff jetting around with a botox bimbo. Perhaps that was the whole plot: billionaire dumps Seattle frump for Malibu Barbie. And by "frump" I mean Mackenzie looks like every woman walking around Green Lake. Unlike the Bezos divorce, yours seems more complicated, and therefore I am more curious.
I read somewhere about your divorce being a "celebrity" divorce, which doesn't set well with me. I understand that you are well-known and famous, but "celebrity"? No. You are not famous for the sake of being famous or for being superficially glamorous. Part of the reason I can't think of you as a celebrity is because we live in the same city, and Seattle (and environs) is a small town. I feel like I kind of know you in the "friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend" way, that we have lots of overlapping connections. Our kids are about the same age, and I have several friends whose kids went to the same private schools yours attended. The University YMCA was around the corner from your kids' elementary school. I would often run into other mom's there when I was taking yoga classes and whatnot. I have dozens of friends who have worked at Microsoft and at the Gates Foundation.
Are you American royalty? No, you were not born or bred to be the wife of the richest man in the world. You were smart, educated, ambitious, hard-working and caring. As such, you landed on a path surrounded by others like yourself, and along that path was the guy who was leading the largest software company in the world.
Here is why I am writing to you: I want to read your next book, the one still unwritten where you tell us how you really feel. While I haven't read your first book yet, I am guessing it is full of bullshit. I am sure your first book is well meaning and you firmly believe in feminism and support human rights around the globe. I don't doubt your sincerity.
Instead, I imagine your first book to be layered with the lies you told yourself in order to stay in your marriage. I am thinking of Glennon Doyle's first two books, the ones where she became sober and then fought to recover her marriage after her husband's infidelities. I never read those first two books, and I don't intend to. I am sure those books are fine, but in those Doyle was lying to herself, denying her affection she felt toward women. When Doyle faced that truth and put pen to paper, the result was brilliant.
Everyone lies to themselves about something. Sometimes it is big stuff, sometimes it is small. Part of the human experience is uncovering these truths, and then deciding what to do about them. Somewhere along the way, you figured out that truth, and acted upon it. I am guessing you decided your marriage didn't match what your heart wanted. I am sure you loved Bill and cared for him, but that is different than wanting to stay married to him. What was it that switched, that flipped, that made you change your mind? Was it slow? Was in sudden? How did you find your truth, and what was it?
Why, Melinda, do I care about your divorce? Is it because I am a middle-aged woman about to launch my youngest and have been in marriage-limbo for more than two years myself as my son was recovering from anxiety and depression? Is it because when I was younger I considered myself a feminist, yet against my intentions found myself in a very traditional role of stay-at-home mom? Is it because traditional gender roles tell women to marry the smartest guy they can find, that marrying a workaholic is a good thing? I am not saying Bill or Jack don't have big hearts, but for both their intellect and ambition lead when they walk into a room. I have other friends who are married to intellectual giants who are assholes. I have another dear friend who felt she had to marry someone smart than she is. She has a PhD in chemistry and an MBA. How many guys are smarter than her in her town?
Maybe this is what feminism needs to address next: you don't need to marry the smartest and most ambitious guy in the room. This is a myth that women have been drinking up for centuries in various forms, in part because they had to in order to survive. Maybe look for the nicest guy, the kindest. The one who makes you laugh and smile and think. The one who challenges you to be a better person, who nourishes you emotionally and spiritually. The characteristics might align with the smartest guy in the room, or they might not. Maybe women don't fully trust ourselves to be our own providers. As Miley Cyrus sang in her revised version of Santa Baby: A woman's best friend is equal pay. Maybe we need better childcare options, lower college costs and less student loan debt. I know you have written about women's rights, but where does this touch you on a personal level?
Marriage is hard. Being married to a powerful man who dedicates his life to his job is hard. You lived with that since the day you were married. What changed? What is him? Was it you? What did you want that you weren't getting? Are you healing? Are you at peace with your decision, or are you plagued with doubt?
Thanks for listening, and I wish you well.
Lauren
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