Sally Had Boundaries

I recently watched the classic romantic comedy When Harry Met Sally on Netflix. Nora Ephron, the writer, is a rockstar, and this movie launched her into the stratosphere. 

I've seen this movie several times. Who hasn't? Since this movie has been out for years, I don't think I am going to be giving any spoilers here. If you haven't seen When Harry Met Sally, drop what you are doing and watch it. 

As most of you know, the past several years of my life have involved lots and lots of therapy. I am grateful for all that I have learned and how I have grown. Watching When Harry Met Sally in this new context, I realized something that most romantic heroines have in common: they have boundaries.

Sally had boundaries. After Sally slept with Harry, she insisted it was a big deal when he thought it was nothing. When his view didn't align with hers, she didn't say "That's great. Whatever. Let's still hang out." 

No. She dumped him. She walked away.

In Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth Bennett had boundaries. She refused Mr. Darcy's crappy first proposal. She knew what she wanted and was willing to walk away from "less than."

When Sally and Elizabeth set boundaries, the men were realized they needed to change if they wanted to keep the women. Harry and Mr. Darcy both get their heads out of their behinds, and rise to the challenge. She asks. He listens. He becomes a better man. As Good as it Gets is similar. 

The life isn't like a romantic comedy. Sometimes when boundaries are set, they get trampled or are ignored. Sometimes we wave the magic boundary wand and nothing happens. The dude might continue going about his business as if nothing happened. It isn't enough to set a boundary--it needs to be tended to, managed.

In life, sometimes the woman walks away, and the man doesn't notice or change, or rise to the occasion. He might think she is over reacting or asking too much or too needy or clingy or demanding or whatever. He doesn't want to meet her in the middle, or maybe he can't. She is setting him free, too--free from her expectations of what she is looking for in a partner. Or, he just might not like her or love her enough. Which is fine.

Romantic comedies don't end this way, but maybe they should. (But then it wouldn't be a comedy, ya know?) Maybe we should see the heroine rising from the ashes, ready to remake her life, no longer waiting around for the guy who doesn't get her.