A Tale of Two Men, and Frozen

I was talking to some friends the other day when one of them said,

"When you are no longer afraid of getting hurt by someone, you can start to see who they really are."

I was blown away by this idea, and I've been thinking about it ever since. When I am afraid of losing someone or when I am clinging to them after all hope is lost, I lose perspective. Once I give up that fear of abandonment, I see more clearly. In the past few months, my fear is decreasing, and my clarity is increasing.

Hold this thought.

A Tale of Two Men

Once upon a time back in 2010, I had a carpenter and a mortgage broker. Both were phenomenal at what they did, best in class. When I needed to refinance my mortgage, I'd automatically call Robert without needed to get second or third quotes from other mortgage brokers. I'd leave a message for Robert saying I wanted a new rate, and he'd call me back within two hours having already talked a bank and gotten me a rate better than I expected. When something in my house needed to be fixed, I'd call Carl without getting bids from other carpenters. Why? They did a great job and I trusted them. Wasn't that enough? Why look around when I already had what I needed? 

A few years ago, I was trying to refi my mortgage and I called Robert and I couldn't find him. He had switched firms a few times, and he eventually started his own mortgage brokerage business. So I googled him. 

It turns out he was in prison for a year.

Not for ripping off his mortgage clients. Not from stealing from banks.

He was arrested for kidnapping a woman on a boat to smuggle pot from British Columbia to Washington.

This was shocking. Why would he be a drug smuggler as a side hustle when he was a damn good and very successful (and presumably rich) mortgage broker? I can see someone who has few other job skills getting in the drug business, but this guy was a rock star at what he did. I didn't understand this. What is self-sabotage? Why risk losing a successful legal endeavor for something that could land him in the clink? Let's compare Robert to Carl. Carl just replaced Jack's deck at the house a few months ago and presumably, has never been in prison.

Robert made a choice. He chose to blow up his life. Sure, he thought he was smart enough not to get caught, but he did. When people do wrong, they might blame all of the forces of the universe, but that is bullshit. People have a choice in how they behave.

• Being an asshole is a choice.
• Being a raging lunatic is a choice
• ("Oh but they started it so I had to yell back," is bullshit. Being civilized in the face of an asshole is also a choice.)
• Being a grumpy and misanthropic curmudgeon is a choice.
• Neglecting your family is a choice.

Some of these maybe subconscious choices, but they still are choices. People may not be trying to be malicious, but the effect of whether they are trying or not, is that people get hurt.

Frozen

I was driving last night when the song "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" from the movie Frozen can on my playlist. For those who haven't seen the movie, this song is in the beginning when the youngest sister, Anna, is reaching out to her older sister, Elsa, making a "bid for connection," as marriage expert John Gottman would say. The older sister rejects the young sister, and the younger sister doesn't understand why.

I thought back to the comment my friend made the other day:

"When you are no longer afraid of getting hurt by someone, you can start to see who they really are."

That statement goes both ways. When we stop being afraid, we can see everything about the person, the good as well as the bad. We see the whole rainbow, not just black and white. Also, when we are afraid like the older sister in Frozen was, we can't see when people love us, when they are making a bids for connection. Elsa's heart was closed. She couldn't get hurt, but she also didn't let the love in, a love that could have healed and helped her.

What I am afraid of?

I am planning a trip with my daughter, and I have been nervous about it for the usual travel related reasons, like driving along dirt roads in a place I've never been. But that wasn't entirely it. I am afraid of getting my heart broken by my daughter, and not for rational reasons. My first daughter, Ada, died. While Claire-Adele is strong, brave and a fighter, I don't see anything bad happening to her. Yet, I am afraid. 

I had a challenging relationship with my mom, and I don't want that with my daughter. I want a peaceful, easy-going and respectful relationship, where we can have fun and laugh, where was can talk about our jobs and our dreams. Claire-Adele is smart and thoughtful and doesn't need my advice (unless she asks for it). Yet, if I fear having turbulent relationship with my kid, I will fail to see her for who she really is, which is missing the point. The point of a relationship is to see someone in their whole humanity and accept them, warts and farts and all. When we unfreeze our hearts, we risk getting hurt. When we close our hearts, we can't feel love. 

I am making a lioness doll. This is what I have so far. 

Somedays I feel how mid-production lioness looks.