Where I am I Supposed to Be, and Creative

Last Sunday, I had no plans except for a yoga class and to finish a project for the Eileen Fischer Renew Chop Challenge where we take scraps of old clothes and make them into something new. I had been working on my project for a few weeks, and I needed to add the final touches.

I was kind of depressed because I had "nothing to do," nothing formally scheduled or planned. Claire-Adele and I were working on our upcoming trip, which was fun, but otherwise I was feeling sluggish and uncomfortable because of my lack of plans. I was antsy.

I was talking to one of my friends who is in the same boat I am in: getting a divorce and having an empty nest.

"We never had to think of what to do before because there always was so much to do. We were at the mercy of other people's schedules," she said. "And hanging out with out kids because they were home was something to do. We didn't need to make plans."

I wish I had practiced doing my own thing more when I my kids were still in the house, carving out time and space for myself -- doing what do I want to do, not just tackling at the pile of stuff that needed to be done.

Sunday morning, I kept looking at my scrap project, knowing I needed to finish it. I'd look at it, and I'd look at the pile of remaining scraps. I'd add a stitch here, and then do the dishes. I'd come back to the couch where I was sewing, and add a few more stitches. I'd read a little bit of Cloud Cuckoo Land by Anthony Doerr, and then I'd add a few more stitches to balance it out.

What I thought was going to be a miserable and depressing day because I had "nothing to do" ended up being wildly creatively productive. I needed that down time and space to ponder.

There is an expression for people recovering from challenges: "You are exactly where you are supposed to be." I had always thought that was bullshit. There have been some amazingly awful times in my life and I can't reconcile the concept of "That was exactly where I was supposed to be" with death and disaster, or cleaning up the aftermath. Yet, now I find it to be true. The harder part is when we run away from where we are supposed to be, whether by actively avoiding it or numbing out. "Grief waits" is a phrase I vividly remember after Ada died. When I felt sad and was in mourning, I felt sad, but I wasn't sad about being sad. I knew I needed to grieve, and that grieving, while painful, is actually healthy. I now think that "being where we are supposed to be means" that we feel the way we feel, and we don't feel bad about it or avoid it.

Last Sunday was uncomfortable, but it I was exactly where I needed to be. I needed to sit with the discomfort. Now, I can have a day with not much planned, and feel okay. I see it as an opportunity to chose what I want to do, not as a burden for me to slog through. 

Bunny's dress is made out of the cuff of a dress shirt. 

I never would have thought of this without spare time. :)