So I met my ex-husband's girlfriend tonight, which was a deeply unpleasant experience. Jack and I coordinated me swinging by his house to pick up some of my mail. I texted and called and confirmed when would be a good time, and low and behold, his GF is sitting on the couch drinking a beer when I arrived. He claims he didn't know she would be there. Really?
I also went to pick up the Ada box as yesterday was her birthday. I was going to sort through the box and leave some stuff for Jack, but I didn't feel like sorting through pictures of my dead infant with his girlfriend witnessing me revisit the absolutely, most unequivocally, worst day of my life. So I took the box with me and when I got home I texted Jack pictures of Ada.
I realize how much of my life I was trying to make the wrong shoe fit. I kept trying and trying to make a relationship work that didn't. It wasn't going to work and I kept banging my head against the wall instead of letting us both out of our misery much sooner.
I am done wearing the wrong shoes in my life. I am so done. If it doesn't fit, it is gone. I deserver better, and so does the shoe.
The other question I have is why did I like a shoe that didn't fit? Why did I love a shoe that didn't fit? What is wrong with me? Why did I love someone who didn't love me back, who didn't have the nerve and courage to tell me he no longer loved me? Why did I so many years of my life to this man who probably never really cared for me? He blamed me for the divorce, saying I asked for it, absolving himself of all responsibility. Why should I cry for a man who never cried a tear over me?
Why did I try to keep trying to make the shoe fit when it didn't?
I need to let go. Part of it is that since I asked for the divorce, I felt guilty about hurting him. I felt terrible. Here I was feeling guilty, and he has moved on. I wish he would have told me he had a gf earlier and in not such an insensitive and cruel manner so I could have be released from my guilt.
Instead, I needed to release myself from this guilt.
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