Jeong

I was reading my horoscope the other day in Free Will Astrology (see: https://freewillastrology.com/) and it talked about jeong, a Korean concept that is the emotional bond between people, places, or things through shared experiences over time. "It is deeper than love and more complex than attachment: the accumulated weight of history together. You can have jeong for a person you don't even like anymore, for a city that broke your heart, for a coffee mug you've used for years."

As my horoscope continues, "As the scar tissue of togetherness, it can be beautiful and poignant. Now is an especially good time to appreciate and honor your jeong. Celebrate and learn from the soulful mysteries your history has bequeathed you."

I read this the day after my water aerobics melt down where I was time travelled back to when I was pregnant with Ada, a golden era of my life and marriage. I think of my ex and the decades of shared experiences we had together. It can be hard to break free from this. How can I find a way forward without spending so much time looking back? How can I not be haunted by my ghosts?

I think the answer is to invite the ghosts in with acceptance, as hard as that is. Let the ghosts sit down and have tea. Ghosts become less scary when we can see them in the light. If Buddha could invite his monsters in for tea, so can I.

I recently had a hard time wondering how I can look back at my life for all of the years since I was nineteen. All of those years were filled with my ex. Sure, I had work and friends and the kids, but Jack was the common denominator. He knows my history, and I know his. I can't pretend that he didn't or doesn't exist.

Maybe the answer isn't so much to look back, but to be here right now, and to look forward. I have a friend who rides horses. Today she told us you are supposed to look at ahead of you, and not look at your hands of the reins. Your hands and the reins won't help you get where you want to go. 

I was talking to a friend about Phase 2 of divorce where the wounds have stopped bleeding and we can start moving forward. We see our exes move forward without us, and that is hard. It can feel like betrayal.

Moving forward without our exes can also feel like betrayal, even the inconsequential stuff that our exes don't know or don't care about. 

I am still figuring all of this out. One day I should get it right.

Happy Days and Waterworks

I went to water aerobics last night at my gym. It was the second time I’ve taken this class. I’ve been in the pool countless times before, doing kick board laps. 

Before the class, I was sobbing. I was crying and crying and I couldn’t stop for about twenty minutes. It was kind of weird. Work has been crazy lately, but not that bad. 

When I got to class, the crying continued. I saw my neighbor in the class, which was nice. It is good to get to know someone in my building. 

Water aerobics. Water aerobics. Water aerobics. 

When I was pregnant with Ada, I was taking water aerobics. It was my first pregnancy and I was clueless. I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant, either. Before I knew I was pregnant, after one class felt like I was having my period but didn’t and what the heck was this about?

Duh.

That was a happy time. I don’t want to sound dramatic about it, but being pregnant with Ada was probably the happiest time of my life. My career was soaring, my marriage was in a peaceful and wonderful place, and I had never been in better shape outside of high school.

Life was good.

Really good.

And the Ada died.

I grieved and I cried and all the things. I was grateful when Claire-Adele and Pedro came along, of course. I love them and I think they are two of the coolest people I know.

And still. 

Jack believes the root cause of our marriage collapsing was Ada’s death. I call bullshit on that, but that is what he believes. It is his truth, and I do believe he probably never properly grieved for Ada and instead kept his sorrow and sadness buried instead exposed to light where things aren’t as scary.

Nevertheless, I am back at water aerobics and damn it is hard. I love water aerobics because it so both cardio and resistance without a lot of pressure on my knees.

Maybe it was the water aerobics twenty seven years ago that made me feel so wonderful. Life can be good at times but sometimes we miss seeing how good it is because we are preoccupied or distracted. Maybe it was water aerobics that helped opened the gates to my well being. 

After Ada died, I stopped going to water aerobics. I couldn’t go. It was too painful to go back to the pool where I felt so relaxed and energized and full of peace.

And happy.

The pool reminded me of when I was happy and I wanted no part of it, even though it was just a pool and water.

Even though I was sobbing last night before the class, I went anyway. The teacher waved and said hello to me. She knows my name somehow, bless her heart.

I still cried at the class. The pool is a salt water pool, so my tears blended right in. 

Accepting where I am right now is a powerful thing, as hard as it is. It is okay to cry at the pool and sob before class. I’ll be okay. It will all be okay. Happy days will come again, but I’m gonna need to slog through some sad ones first.