When, or Past, Present and Future

This morning while I was making a prosciutto and spinach quiche for breakfast, I listened to a lecture/podcast by the addiction specialist at the Boy's school. Tim was directly talking to parents whose kids just wrapped up a year of in-patient treatment, and are now part of a transition program where they are going to regular school but living in a supportive environment. Some of these kids are going to be on their own in the next few months, and that is a tender time. A few of these kids are considering going back to using drugs and alcohol, which naturally scares the crap out of parents.

Tim talked about splitting ambivalences in these teens. Kids (and adults for that matter) may be ambivalent about bad habits, like drinking or smoking pot. Some inner part of these kids may want to smoke pot, and another part may want to be responsible. If parents get on the rabid "Pot is terrible--don't ever do it!" they are putting themselves on one side of an argument.  When parents are on one side, some kids naturally gravitate to the other side.

Tim told a story of a phone call he got from one of his patient's mom. Her nineteen year old son was tossed in jail for possession of drugs. The young man called his mom, hoping she would bail him out. She was kind and compassionate, and set a firm boundary.

"I know this is hard, and I am sorry you are in this spot," she said, "I am sure you will figure something out." Parents have to learn to let kids make their own choices and then also suffer the consequences, even if those consequences break the mom's heart.

The mom told Tim that she had to at that moment see her son for who he was: an autonomous nineteen year old man. Her son no longer was the adorable preschooler who she would take to the park.

That story really resonated with me, for better and for worse.

In some ways, it is good to look back and see the good in people. It can give us compassion. 

Yet, looking back at the past can not serve us well, even when we look back fondly. We might be ignoring or tolerating current unpleasant or unacceptable behavior. Perhaps this is why some women stay with abusive men -- they remember back when he was nice, even though that was a long time ago.

It is fair to remember someone fondly when their current behavior doesn't match the past? We might not be honest or true or hold appropriate boundaries if we are looking at someone's idealized past self instead of their present self. We aren't giving them a chance to make mistakes, to fail, to learn, to grow.